Dear Baby Sellers,
Today marks 6 months since my whole world came crashing down. 6 whole months of trying to make it through this storm, 6 months of trying to survive, 6 months of sadness, anger, guilt, questioning, and a little acceptance. 6 months of trying to figure out what God's purpose of this test is and who I am now. I don't really think the storm of losing you is really over. I feel like it comes and goes. Some days I have really good days and I can't believe I survived, and other days I feel like the walls are crashing in around me and I'm back in the dark place again. Honestly, I don't know how I survived these past 6 months. You and God really must have been looking out for me. I think back to the weeks right after I lost you and the days are such a blur, I was living in a fog, going through all the motions with no thought or feelings. I was so, so sad.
Over time things have gotten easier, I have more good days now. I laugh, I look forward to things, I regained my motivation for life. But I still struggle with figuring out who I am. The person I was before I lost you seems like a stranger. And when I try to be like her again it just doesn't feel right. I'm not naive any more, I'm not carefree. Losing you has taught me that bad and scary things happen all the time. Losing you has taught me that some of the people you thought you could always count on let you down. Losing you taught me it's better to only have a couple of really great friends then a large group of just okay friends. Losing you taught me I couldn't survive without your daddy or my family. Losing you taught me that part of finding myself again is going to involve doing something big, something to help others who have lost their babies know they are not alone. My blog has slowly started this, so many women have reached out to me, but I want to do something bigger, I want to make a difference.
I am 17 and a half weeks pregnant with your little brother or sister. Getting past that 16 week mark was very scary, and I spent a lot of days very anxious and upset. But some how the little bean and I made it. The other night I felt what I believe were the first flutters of movement from baby. It made me happy to know baby is still doing well, but it also made me sad because I never got to experience that with you. There are so many things you and I never got to experience together. I'm always going to have that hole in my heart. All of the girls I know that were also pregnant the same time I was pregnant with you have now gone on to have their beautiful babies. I see their pictures of their perfect little newborns and it makes me miss you. It's crazy to think if our story had been different you would be here now. I would be a mom to a newborn baby instead of a mom to an angel. I just miss you baby. Plain and simple. I love you to the moon and back, forever and ever.
Love,
Your Momma
