Hope for the New Year

Today is the last day of 2012 and I can't help but sit here and think about the crazy roller coaster ride this year has been. 4 months ago I was excited for 2013, because that meant I only had 3 months left until Randy and I met Baby Sellers, but now I am ready for 2013 for a whole new reason. As I sit here and reflect on the year I'm finding as much as I don't want to believe it 2012 held a lot of good things for me and my family. I graduated with my Bachelor's degree in Elementary Education, I got my first teaching job, I gained a new sister when my brother got married, I found out I was expecting, and I received a new nephew. That's a lot of good things and I am so grateful for them all, but 2012 also holds the worst day(s) of my life. When I think back to 2012 years from now, I won't remember it as the year I graduated or got my first teaching job, I will always remember it as the year I lost my baby.

The coming of 2013 is bittersweet. I'm terrified for what it holds. I know getting through March and my due date is going to especially hard. I'm also terrified because what if 2013 comes and goes and Randy and I still don't have a baby? I'm not in control, God is, and that terrifies me. If 2012 has taught me anything it is that I am not in control and rather then fight that I need to let go and let God. I am scared for 2013, but I'm also ready. 2013 means a new start. It means I went through hell and survived. It means as much as I hate to admit it, I am stronger. My wish for 2013 is that Randy and I will continue to heal. We will become an even stronger couple then we are now, and hopefully one way or another our little family of two will become a family of three. No matter what though, my resolution for 2013 is to live each day like it is my last day, because this past year has taught me that life can change drastically in the blink of an eye. Thank you to Randy, my family, and my friends (new and old) for being there for me and helping me get through these past couple of months, I never would have made it through without you. Here's to hoping that 2013 is a year filled of joy, happiness, hope for a better tomorrow,  and that we all learn to dance in the rain.

Know you're not alone

Dear Baby Sellers,

Well daddy and I survived the holiday season without you. Honestly, it wasn't as horrible as I had built it up in my mind to be. My biggest fear is that people will forget about you, about the impact you had on my life. I know daddy and I will never forget you because the love we feel for you will never go away, but what about everyone else? What about our friends and family, will they remember you 6 months from now, a year from now, 10 years from now? Life goes on and daddy and I continue to find a new sense of normal, but just  because we are finding our new normal doesn't mean our hearts aren't still broken, that our arms aren't still aching to hold you, and that will NEVER go away. It drives me crazy when people see me going out, smiling, and laughing and assume that I am all better. I will never be better, I will never be the person I used to be, I will always have a hole in my heart. But I realize I can't wallow in self-pity all the time. So yes I go to work, I go shopping, I hang out with friends, I do these things because as much as I don't want it to life goes on.

Daddy and I can't pretend that you never happened because you were the best thing that ever happened to us, and why would we ever want to forget that? And nothing hurts worst then being around people who act like nothing ever happened, like everything is just fine. These people don't talk about you and when I bring you up they either ignore me or quickly change the subject. These people never check in on daddy and I or ask how we are doing. And that really hurts. But for every person who has not been there for daddy and I over these past couple of months, there or other people who have been absolutely amazing.It reminds me we are not alone. Sometimes I get caught up in my own grief and forget that I wasn't the only one who loved and wanted you. You had grandparents who were so excited for your arrival. You had aunts, uncles, and cousins who couldn't wait to meet you. You had so many people who loved you from the very beginning, and all of these people were heartbroken when we lost you. So yes I am afraid that people will forget about you, and a lot of people probably will, but daddy and I and all the people who love you so very much never will. Daddy and I asked these people to light a candle for you on Christmas and it brought tears to my eyes to see just how many people actually did this. I received so many pictures, texts, and messages letting me know that a candle for Baby Sellers had been lit. I love you so very much baby and miss you more than you could ever know.

Love,
Your Momma

God, where are you?

God,

I know I am not perfect, and I know I have been struggling with my faith lately, but I have to ask where are you? Do you see how many horrible, tragic things are happening lately? Why aren't you stopping them? Innocent children are being shot and killed while at school, people are being killed while doing some shopping, families are looking for children that have been abducted for months only to find their little angels are dead, too many couples who want a baby so badly lose their babies or cannot have babies while teenagers and drug addicts seem to be able to pop them out with no problem. There is so much bad stuff happening, do you see it? Do you care? I want to believe there is something  more after this life, some greater purpose, but all these bad things make it so hard.

I want to believe that some day I will hold mine and Randy's baby in my arms, that I will experience that overwhelming joy. But right now I don't believe that. Too many bad things have happened to me, to people I care about, to the world. I know if I get my hopes up, I'll just be disappointed. So I don't know where you are God, or why all these bad things seem to happen. But I could use a sign, the world could use a sign that love does conquer evil. That goodness still does exist in this dark and scary world. I could use some hope that my life is going to get better. Because right now I am all out of faith.

Time can not erase

Dearest Baby Sellers,

Two months...that's how much time has gone by since daddy and I learned you had grown wings and left this Earth behind. I thought things would be easier by now, but they are not. I still cry, my heart is still broken, my thoughts are still full of what could have been, and my arms are still empty. I should not be counting up the days since you left me. I should be counting down the days till your arrival. I should be feeling you kick inside me. I should be finishing up the nursery and picking out baby names. But I'm not. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!! I don't understand why this had to happen to me, to us. I wanted you more than I've ever wanted anything and your gone. I'm left here trying to put the pieces of my life back together, trying to move forward because that's what everyone says I am supposed to do. Sometimes I envy you dear baby. I'm sure it's beautiful where ever you are, I'm sure it's peaceful, I'm sure you're happy. I wish I could find peace...I wish I could find happiness.

Everyone says that time will heal, that I'll be okay, but I don't believe them. How can time heal something so painful? So tragic? The love I feel for you is so real, and that doesn't just go away. The emptiness my heart feels isn't going to go away because you took a piece of me to heaven with you. This pain is too real and time cannot erase it. I miss you so much, my heart is broken. I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most, I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well :'(

I wish these past 2 months were just a nightmare, a horrible horrible nightmare, but I would wake up and still have you here with me....

My arms are aching for you baby.

Love,
Your Momma

Faith

Yesterday I had my sweet little nieces and nephews over to decorate some Christmas cookies for Santa. After the decorating festivities we all settled down to watch Pocohontas (one of my all time favorite Disney movies). As we were watching the movie we were talking and someone mentioned something about when Randy and I have a baby. I quickly corrected them saying IF Randy and I have a baby. My nephew Jack who has snuggled up on my lap looked up at me after I said this and said "Aunt Randa you WILL have a baby." I hugged that sweet little boy tight and tried not to cry. How I wish I had the faith of this little guy who I love so much.

I am trying, and some days I have a lot of faith that our little baby is somewhere in the near future, but then there are days that I am just waiting for the next bad thing to happen to me. I thought having a diagnosis would help me move forward. I am happy to have an answer, and I am grateful that for the most part it has a simple "solution", but that part scares me. Nothing has ever come easily to me, and I'm scared to get my hopes up now. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall.I'm waiting for them to discover something else that won't allow me to have children. Today I'm just having a hard time keeping the faith....

And the results are in...

A couple of weeks ago I had a whole bunch of test done to try and determine why we loss Baby Sellers. I realize with miscarriages there are many women who never get an answer, an explanation to why their baby died so I've been trying not to get my hopes up that we would get an answer. After my D&C the baby and placenta were sent in for testing and that came back inconclusive. So we will never know if there was or was not something wrong with our baby. This news was really hard to accept at first, but it's getting easier. After the inconclusive testing on the baby it was my turn to get poked and prodded. I had over 20 vials of blood drawn (all in the same day =/) with the hope that we would get some kind of an explanation. That hope is a double edged sword. On one hand I want an explanation, a reason for why my baby had to die, but on the other hand I hope that there isn't anything wrong with me. That this was just a really crappy thing that happened but I will be able to go on and have a "normal" pregnancy in the future.

Well the results are in and I have what they call a MTHFR gene mutation. I encourage you to Google it if you want more information on what this is, because it's very confusing and  while I can attempt to explain it, it may not be completely accurate. I am meeting with my doctor on Monday to discuss this diagnosis more, so until then I only have limited knowledge of this diagnosis. According to Google many people have this gene mutation, but not everyone develops symptoms. It just depends if the mutation is homozygous or heterozygous. So the good news is I have a diagnosis, the bad news is I have to go have more testing done to determine if the mutation is homozygous or heterozygous. If the mutation is homozygous it's likely this mutation had nothing to do with me losing the baby. If it is heterozygous this mutation can cause a blood clotting disorder, which may have led to me losing the baby. This mutation can also cause my body to not absorb the needed amino acids needed during pregnancy. I know this is a lot of information and it's overwhelming (trust me, I'm super overwhelmed!).

The great news is that if the mutation is heterozygous there are treatment options to try and prevent another pregnancy loss. I'll have more information on Monday as far as the diagnosis and what our plan of action will be for my next pregnancy. Please continue to pray for Randy and I, hopefully 2013 will still bring us a baby!

Signs

Okay, I know this is the second post today but I just HAD to share this.

After losing Baby Sellers I've read blogs from other baby loss mama's and many of them have talked about seeing or finding signs that make them believe their baby is okay. For example seeing butterflies, dragonflies, a beautiful sunset and many other things that make them feel closer to their babies. Since losing my baby I have been praying and looking every where for a sign that my baby is okay. I like to think I have been pretty open to anything that may have been a sign from up above, but I haven't felt like I've seen one...until today that is.

Iowa is experiencing some much warmer weather than usual for this time of year (60's in December in Iowa?!) so I decided to take advantage of this lovely weather and take Hank for a walk. About a mile into our walk I happen to look down at the ground and see this...

Now for those of you who don't know this is what the ribbon for pregnancy and infant loss looks like, blue and pink ribbon wrapped together. Quite the coincidence huh!? And right as I'm bending down to pick it up my Pandora station starts playing In My Arms by Plumb, the lyrics to this song talk about a mother wanting to protect her child from the cruel world:

Your baby blues, so full of wonder
Your curly cues, your contagious smile
And as I watch, you start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in but you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down, waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies

When the clouds will rage
And storms will race in but you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down, waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always, always love you

When the clouds will rage
And storms will race in but you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down, waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms, in my arms

This song makes me cry every time I hear it, because I would have done everything in my power to protect my baby. This song also reminds me that no matter what I will be safe in God's arms, and he will carry me through the parts of my life that are just too hard. I've been waiting for a sign that would tell me my baby is okay, that I will be okay....I think I just got it.

Holding on to the Good

Dearest Baby Sellers,

The Christmas season is upon us. Another holiday that I will never get to spend with you. I was dreading the upcoming holiday. Christmas is a time of love, joy and laughter and feeling those things makes me feel guilty. When I feel joy or when I'm laughing it is often followed by the feeling of guilt, because you aren't here with me and I should be sad about that. I realize though that this isn't how my holiday season should be. I shouldn't be sad and unhappy because you wouldn't want me to be. I shouldn't feel guilty about being happy and laughing because you would want me to do those things. No one knows more then you do how much I miss you, because no one knows more then you how much I loved and wanted you. Being happy again doesn't mean that I am forgetting you, it means I'm letting go of all the bad and holding on to the good. Because you gave me and continue to give me so many good things. 

Instead of being sad that you won't be with me this holiday season, I am going to be happy that you get to spend your first Christmas with three of the greatest women I know; your Grandma Lori, your Great Grandma Bauer, and your Great Grandma Helen. I know without a doubt in my mind these three wonderful ladies are taking care of you and will make sure you have the best Christmas ever. Grandma Lori will teach you how to make the best sugar cookies ever, and even let you eat some of the cookie dough (but not too much or you'll get a stomachache!). Great Grandma Bauer will teach you how to knit so you can make a stocking and I really hope there is snow in Heaven because Great Grandma Bauer will help you make the best snowman ever. Great Grandma Helen will teach you how to make her Swedish Meatballs (it's not Christmas without them) and help you decorate a Christmas tree. I know that you will have a wonderful Christmas because you will get to experience some of my favorite Christmas traditions with the women who taught them to me.

Please know that daddy and I will still be missing you, like we do every day, but we will smile knowing you are safe and happy. I love you to the moon and back baby! Please continue to sprinkle your baby dust on daddy and I. Christmas is a time for miracles, I really hope we get a miracle this Christmas.

Love,
Your Momma