Where we are now...

It seems surreal that two years ago today our storm started...a storm that seemed to last forever. I've said it before, but time is such a funny thing. On one hand it feels like that awful day was just yesterday, I remember every single detail. On the other hand, it feels like that day was a lifetime ago. Some distant dream. 

After two years I finally feel like we survived the storm. I am in no way "over it", but I have accepted it. I've accepted that Randy and I were not meant to hold our first precious baby in our arms. I've accepted that God had a plan for us, and while it did not make sense at the time, I am slowly beginning to understand it. I've accepted that missing and remembering our first baby is something I will do every single day for the rest of my life, but that doesn't mean I have to be sad forever. I've accepted that there is nothing I can do to change what happened that dreadful day. I've accepted that we survived the storm, and that it is okay to continue on living. 

Our life is so different from that day two years ago, I am so different from the person I was two years ago. Our life now is so good, so very blessed. And I know I owe all of that to our beautiful angel baby up above, who looks out for us every single day. I know he played a part in giving us our beautiful rainbow baby, Harper Ann, who brings us so much joy every single day. She lights up our life. And I know he continues to look over us as our family grows even more. 

Life isn't always beautiful, but it sure is a beautiful ride. 

We love and miss you baby Sellers. Xoxo

One year since my whole world came crashing down...

Dear Baby Sellers,

I remember every single thing about October 12, 2012. I remember exactly what I was wearing. I remember the weather was warm and sunny. I remember what songs were playing on the radio on the way to what was supposed to be the doctor's appointment where we found out the gender of our baby. I remember daddy was driving a little fast because he was so excited. I remember how anxious I was as I waited for the ultrasound tech to pull you up on the screen. And I remember how my heart sank and my whole world came tumbling down when I heard the words "I'm so sorry, I can't find a heartbeat."

October 12, 2012 was the day I learned my sweet baby, who I had hoped and prayed for for so long, became an angel. October 12, 2012 was the day I learned how much you can miss someone you never even met. October 12, 2012 was the day I learned that you can become a mom without having any children here on Earth. October 12, 2012 was the day I learned that one in four women suffer from a miscarriage, infant loss, or still birth. October 12, 2012 was the day I became one of those women.

It is crazy that in one year I experienced the worst day of my life and also the best day of my life. Losing you, Baby Sellers, was the hardest thing I've ever been through. I will carry that grief with me the rest of my life. But through losing you I learned that even in the darkest of times there is always hope, there is always light. Even though I never got to hold you, I never got to do all of the things we were supposed to do together; I know you are always with me. Mine and daddy's own personal guardian angel. You are always with us, I can feel it. You're the rainbow after a storm. You're the beautiful sunrise and the breathtaking sunset. You're the perfect song on the radio. And I know that you sent us your beautiful baby sister. She is the one thing that has brought pure joy into my life again, and I have you to thank for that, baby. My pregnancy with her was not easy, but you watched over us and kept her safe. And every time I hold her in my arms I find myself thinking of you.

I may never get to hold you in my arms, I may never get to snuggle you and smother you with kisses, I may never get to rock you to sleep, but you are still my baby and I love you so very much. When Harper grows up I will tell her all about the angel who sent her to daddy and me. The angel who watches over us and keeps us safe, always. I will tell her all about her big brother who lives in Heaven. Even though you may not be here with us, you will always be a part of our family. I love you to the moon and back baby, forever and ever.

Love,
Your Momma

When One Door Closes...

Dear Baby Sellers,

One year ago today I got the positive pregnancy test that forever changed me and my life. I was not expecting that test to come back positive, but I was so happy when it did. One month earlier daddy and I had just met with a fertility specialist who told us our chances of conceiving without fertility treatment was slim. You gave me hope right from the very start, you showed up just in the nick of time. Looking back on that day, knowing how our story would end too soon, I would not change a single thing. I was so naively happy that day, and for many days to follow. After only knowing you were growing inside of me for a matter of minutes, I had a whole life time of hopes and dreams built up for you inside my head. I already loved you so much. And although our story that started out so happy and so hopeful ended in the saddest way possible, I wouldn't change a single second of it.

I've heard the quote many times that when God closes one door in our lives, he opens another. After this past year and everything daddy and I have endured, I believe this now more then ever. For reasons I may never understand the door that led me to a lifetime with you was closed much sooner then I ever expected. And once that door closed I was so sad, I was angry, and I was determined to figure out why. I thought if I had some kind of reasoning for why I lost you the pain wouldn't hurt so bad. I obsessed over medical tests and spent hours doing research and talking to other women who had lost their babies. There had to be a reason why I lost you, I needed there to be a reason. It has been a long road and it has taken me some time, but I finally realized that I may never get the answers to all my questions, and even if I do it wouldn't change anything, it wouldn't heal the hole in my heart.

In January, 3 short months after you became an angel, I got another positive pregnancy test. This time instead of being filled with happiness and joy, I was overcome with dread. Looking back now I feel guilty about that, but I was still going through hell and wasn't sure if I could handle losing another baby. I also missed you so, so much and I didn't want this new baby to overshadow the little time I had with you. It hasn't been easy, in fact being pregnant again after a loss is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done, but your little sister is so strong and such a fighter (she gets that from you). Every doubt I have had, she's proven me wrong and now here I am 32 weeks pregnant and only weeks a way from meeting her. I love you so much baby and I love her so much, which is a hard thing to wrap my head around. If I still had you, I wouldn't have her. Having her does not in any way justify losing you, but it does help me begin to make sense of why God closed the door on our story. I'm not saying it is right or okay, but it's just the way it had to be.

God gave me you to give me hope. I was terrified that my dream of being a mom wouldn't happen, you changed that. God gave me you to show me how strong I can be. Even though it is a trait I don't always like about myself, I know I am strong and I know I can overcome even the worst tragedies. I am strong enough to be a mommy to a beautiful angel. God gave me you to strengthen mine and daddy's marriage. Marriage is hard and there are many things that either make or break a relationship. I'm not saying its been easy, daddy and I have had some really dark days, but we made it through together. Because of you the love daddy and I share is unbreakable. God gave me you to teach me how to appreciate the wonderful people I have in my life. I would never have made it through losing you if it weren't for the amazing support group of family and friends daddy and I have. I've learned to appreciate the people who are there through thick and thin, and to not worry so much about the ones who aren't. God gave me you to show me that even in darkest of times there is always hope, there is always another open door. Life doesn't always turn out the way we expect, but somehow we end up exactly where we are supposed to.

I love you baby and miss you every single day. Please continue to look over your little sister, you already are the best guardian angel to her.

Love,
Your Momma

No News is Good News

Hi All!

Today was a very uneventful, boring day. Which I can say we are very, very thankful for. Since I wasn't experiencing any more cramping they decided early this afternoon to take me off of the magnesium and see how my body, my cervix, responded. So far there has been no change, so hopefully that means my cervix is done being a brat right now. With that being said, we still have a long road a head of us. The doctors can't really give us a time line, because it all just depends on if my cervix stays stable and if baby girl stays where she is supposed to. As much as I want to go home, being here is the best place for me and baby girl right now. And the doctors don't want to send me home unless they are confident that my cervix will not dilate anymore. We need baby girl to stay in a little longer...ideally a couple of months longer. If/when I do get to go home it will be a lazy, bed rest type of summer until baby girl makes her appearance.

Hopefully the next few days to come are just as boring as today. The highlight of my day, besides getting my IV out, was Randy pushing me around the hospital in a wheel chair :) We both or so extremely grateful for the out pouring of love, prayers, and support we have received from our amazing friends and family, we truly are blessed. I really do believe in the power of prayer, so keep them coming and hopefully baby girl will stay right where she is. In the mean time we are extremely bored so feel free to stop by if your in the area and visit, text us, call us, or even send us some extra lives on Candy Crush Saga :)

We will continue to keep you updated!

<3 Miranda and Randy

Send Prayers

So I hate that I have to write this post, but with as supportive as everyone has been over the past 8 months I want to keep everyone updated, because we could sure use some support and prayers right now.

Yesterday I went to what was supposed to be a regular baby appointment. During my ultrasound they discovered my cervix was extremely shortened. At 23 weeks my cervix should be be 3-4 cm, and mine is only measuring 5 mm, so extremely short. Once they discovered this they sent me straight to the University of Iowa hospital to see a high risk doctor. After doing an exam the doctors were concerned about the length of my cervix, but it was still closed so that was a good sign. They gave me a shot of steroids to help baby girl's lungs develop in case she does make an early arrival, but we're hoping that doesn't happen.

At around 7 this morning I started feeling some cramping and after another exam they determined my cervix was now 1 centimeter dilated. They started me on magnesium to help baby's brain develop more and to try and stop my cervix from continuing to dilate.

Right now it's just a waiting game. Baby's heartbeat is still strong and she is still active which is good, but we need my cervix to not dilate anymore so she can stay in a little longer. Our first goal is 24 weeks, which is next week, where her survival rate will be 80%. If we can make it to that point great, if we can make it even further past that point, even better.

Right now we're just waiting....and that's scary, but we're trying to stay positive. Please pray for us and our little baby girl. We will keep you updated as we learn more....

Miranda & Randy

My First Mother's Day

Dear Baby Sellers,

A year ago if someone would have told me I would be a mom by the next Mother's day, I wouldn't have believed them. A year ago daddy and I were still struggling through our journey to conceive and it seemed like there was no end in sight. Eight months ago if someone would have told me I would be a mom by the next Mother's day, but I wouldn't be able to celebrate with my baby in my arms I wouldn't have believed them. Eight months ago I had just finished up my first trimester of my first pregnancy with you and I was so happy to finally be pregnant. Six months ago if someone would have told me I would be pregnant with my little rainbow baby by the next Mother's day I wouldn't have believed them. But here a sit, feeling my little rainbow kick and move around, and thinking about what a whirlwind this past year has been.

I wish you were here to celebrate my first Mother's day with me, after all you are the one who made me a mom. But I know you are looking over me and spending the day with your grandma Lori, your great grandma Lucille and Helen, and all of the other wonderful women who are spending this Mother's day up in Heaven.

Thank you for making me a mom, baby. Thank you for teaching me more about life and showing me more love in the short 16 weeks we had together then I've experienced in a life time. Thank you for teaching me that life isn't always fair, but it is beautiful, even through the storm. And thank you for continuing to look over me, your daddy, and your little SISTER! :) We love you and miss you so much!

Love,
Your Momma

6 months

Dear Baby Sellers,

Today marks 6 months since my whole world came crashing down. 6 whole months of trying to make it through this storm, 6 months of trying to survive, 6 months of sadness, anger, guilt, questioning, and a little acceptance. 6 months of trying to figure out what God's purpose of this test is and who I am now. I don't really think the storm of losing you is really over. I feel like it comes and goes. Some days I have really good days and I can't believe I survived, and other days I feel like the walls are crashing in around me and I'm back in the dark place again. Honestly, I don't know how I survived these past 6 months. You and God really must have been looking out for me. I think back to the weeks right after I lost you and the days are such a blur, I was living in a fog, going through all the motions with no thought or feelings. I was so, so sad.

Over time things have gotten easier, I have more good days now. I laugh, I look forward to things, I regained my motivation for life. But I still struggle with figuring out who I am. The person I was before I lost you seems like a stranger. And when I try to be like her again it just doesn't feel right. I'm not naive any more, I'm not carefree. Losing you has taught me that bad and scary things happen all the time. Losing you has taught me that some of the people you thought you could always count on let you down. Losing you taught me it's better to only have a couple of really great friends then a large group of just okay friends. Losing you taught me I couldn't survive without your daddy or my family. Losing you taught me that part of finding myself again is going to involve doing something big, something to help others who have lost their babies know they are not alone. My blog has slowly started this, so many women have reached out to me, but I want to do something bigger, I want to make a difference.

I am 17 and a half weeks pregnant with your little brother or sister. Getting past that 16 week mark was very scary, and I spent a lot of days very anxious and upset. But some how the little bean and I made it. The other night I felt what I believe were the first flutters of movement from baby. It made me happy to know baby is still doing well, but it also made me sad because I never got to experience that with you. There are so many things you and I never got to experience together. I'm always going to have that hole in my heart. All of the girls I know that were also pregnant the same time I was pregnant with you have now gone on to have their beautiful babies. I see their pictures of their perfect little newborns and it makes me miss you. It's crazy to think if our story had been different you would be here now. I would be a mom to a newborn baby instead of a mom to an angel. I just miss you baby. Plain and simple. I love you to the moon and back, forever and ever. 

Love,

Your Momma