Questions

Dearest Baby Sellers,

I cannot believe it has been 47 days since all my hopes and dreams for you were shattered. How in the world has that much time gone by? How has life continued on when I feel so empty? When I was pregnant with you it felt like time was dragging on, like it was going to be forever before I got to hold you in my arms. Silly me, 9 months was nothing compared to the eternity I face now without you. I have replayed that day in my mind over and over and over again. Wishing things would have played out differently. Wishing the doctor would have said "Just kidding, the baby was hiding here's the heartbeat." But I know that's impossible. Your gone and no amount of prayers or wishful thinking will bring you back.

Your death brings so many unanswered questions with it. Questions that no matter what I do, I will probably never get an answer to. And that terrifies me. Why did I have to lose you? Why did God let me get pregnant if he was just going to take you away? Will I ever get pregnant again? Will I ever be able to have a "normal" full term pregnancy? Or will I be faced with the struggle of infertility? What if this happens again, what if I lose more babies? Will I survive?

As daddy and I start down the path of trying to conceive again these questions run through my mind every minute of every day. I don't want you to think that we are trying to replace you, because we never could. You came to us at a time when we thought we would never get pregnant. You brought us so much happiness. We loved you so much. Your life and your death has made daddy and I appreciate each other more now then ever, you made daddy and I a stronger couple. You will always be our first baby, our little nugget. But daddy and I so badly want a baby here on Earth. So I pray that you and God look over daddy and I as we continue on without you. And I pray that you will sprinkle your baby dust on daddy and I so someday soon we can give you a little brother or sister here on Earth. I know you will be the best guardian angel. I love you and miss you more with every breath I take. Xoxo

Love,
Your Momma

God Gave Me You

Last night at the support group I attend we were talking about how the loss of our babies makes other people really uncomfortable. Losing a baby is a tragedy and tragedies have a funny way of bringing out the best in some people, and unfortunately the worst in others. The people you think are going to be there for you fail to show up, and complete strangers have some of the kindest words. The leader of the support group said we need to find a way to forgive those friends and family members that haven't been there for us. Maybe I am too fresh in my grief still and maybe this is a little harsh but I think that is absolute crap.

I get that the death of a baby makes people really uncomfortable, no one gets that more then me. I don't want to be in this boat. I don't want to be a member of a baby loss support group. I don't want to have a blog based on the loss of my baby. I don't want to know that October 15th is national  pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. But I do, because that's my life now. I don't know how to handle losing my baby, every day is a struggle, and I need people around me to be supportive and to just be there for me no matter what. I know this sounds selfish, but my baby died so I feel like I have the right to be selfish right now. You don't have to say or do anything in particular, just be there. When I need to cry, let me cry. When I need to talk about my baby, let me talk about my baby. When I need to talk about anything, just listen. Don't feel like you have to say something to ease my pain, because honestly there is nothing you can say or do to take my pain away. Nothing is going to fix this. Saying things like "it was God's will", "everything happens for a reason", or "at least you know you can get pregnant" doesn't fix anything, it actually makes me feel worse. I know this sounds mean and I apologize. The grief process is a long process, and I'm not going to get through it easily. I realize it's been a month since we loss our baby, but at the same time it's only been a month. And it doesn't matter if I go on to have 10 babies, I'll never have this one back. Nothing will right this wrong, so instead of trying to fix it, just be there and support me through my grief process.

And to Randy, my friends and family members who have been there relentlessly over the past few weeks. Thank you. I wouldn't be making it through each day if it wasn't for you. Thank you for carrying me through this storm. Thank you for being patient with me and not telling me it's time to get over it or move on. I love you so much for that. God gave me you.

Bittersweet Life

Dearest Baby Sellers,

This weekend Daddy and I went to grandpa and grandma's for a little weekend get-a-way. After the past five weeks and all the hell we've been through, I was more then ready for this. I am very thankful that daddy's parents let us come up and stay with them for the weekend. It makes me sad to think that you'll never get to go stay at grandma and grandpa's for a week during the summer and be spoiled rotten. Getting away was nice and I even had fun for the first time in weeks, but it wasn't the same. Every thing I did, every time I laughed, every time I had fun it was haunted by the fact that you aren't with me anymore. I feel like that is how my life will be from now on. Every good moment, every happy moment, won't be as good or as happy because your not here to experience it with me.

Daddy agreed to go to the Mall of America, he's trying so hard to make me happy again, so we met up with our good friends Matt and Heather and prepared to do some serious shopping. I had fun shopping, but I wasn't prepared for the number of pregnant women and babies I encountered while shopping. I know this is silly, I mean what did I expect at a giant shopping mall? They were every where, and every time I saw one of those blissfully happy pregnant girls I felt like I was being punched in the heart. I am very thankful that my good friend Heather was with me and reminded me to breathe every time we walked pass one of these girls, because it hurt, a lot. I don't feel bitterness towards these girls. I don't want them to lose their babies, I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I am just sad for me, for you, because that should be us. I should have been walking around the mall with my big pregnant belly. I should have felt you kicking after eating spicy wings for lunch. I should have been buying maternity clothes. I should have been shopping at all the baby stores for you and spending way too much money. But I wasn't because that isn't my life anymore. I'm trying to accept this "new" life I have, but it's hard. It isn't fair, our time together wasn't enough. I miss you so much baby. Sending lots of hugs and kisses your way, I hope they find you.

Love,
Your Momma

Project Thankful

 I am so very thankful for my wonderful students. They are the reason I get up and go to work every morning. The things they say and do just melt my heart and make me smile. Like how they think it is the funniest thing in the world when I mix up the words to our Good Morning song and tell me "Mrs. S you sooo silly!" On the days when I feel like I'll never be happy again they say things like  "Mrs. S you smell like sunshine" and I can't help but smile. These little people have been one of my biggest lifesavers this past month. They've taught me how to laugh and smile through the tears, they give me hope that everything will be okay. I love them and owe them so much.

Today I am also thankful for my best bud Hank. There's a million reasons why I love him, but mostly because who can look at this sweet face and NOT smile?

Project Thankful-Day 13

I know, I know I have skipped a few days throughout the 30 days of thankfulness. Last week was a really tough week for me between arguing non-stop with my medical insurance on the tests they will or will not cover, and hitting the one month mark of losing Baby Sellers, and missing my mom on her birthday, and on top of all of that it's getting cold and I really really really don't want it to get cold. I realize that is a whole lot of whining all wrapped up into one paragraph-but in the spirit of the holidays, you can cut me a break right!?!  Last week caught me off guard and by the time this morning rolled around I was just thankful I had made it through one of the hardest weeks since I loss my baby. So for last week I am thankful that I didn't give up and hide in my bed under the covers (because let's face it, that is EXACTLY what I wanted to do).

With the advice of my grief counselor, my mantra for the holidays is to take it one day at a time (because quite frankly idea of the holidays is terrifying me right now. Can I run away to a beach until February please?) and try to not look at the whole picture. I can't look at the bigger picture right now because I feel like my baby should belong in that bigger picture and it doesn't,(well it does, but not in the way I saw the big picture 3 months ago) and that just makes me sad. I don't know what the bigger picture is any more. And that is why I shouldn't be focusing on it right now. If I continue to focus on it I will become extremely anxious and obsessive about figuring out what's next and when will I have my baby or what if I don't have another baby or why did my baby have to die? And all of these questions will literally drive me crazy. I have to stop now or my husband and my father will have no choice but to rent me a room at the nut house. And I really don't want to spend the holidays there.

So I will try my hardest to take one day at a time, one moment at a time. I will try to let go and let life happen without trying to plan every second of it. And if it seems like I am NOT letting go and taking one day at a time, I am calling upon you, my friends, family, and followers, to make me let go. Despite what my little sister thinks about violent force being necessary, it really isn't. I just need reminded when I let me mind go to far and start playing the "what-if" game or the "blame" game that it is time to just let go. I can't control any of it, so I NEED TO LET IT GO. If it isn't obvious yet, this is going to be really hard for me. I hate not being in control, I need to know what is happening and why it is happening all the time, I may be what some people consider a control freak. So.....here I go.....one foot at a time.....one day at a time. Maybe I will find my happiness again outside of the bigger picture.

1 month

Dearest Baby Sellers,

One month ago today daddy and I got the worst news any parent could ever receive. You had grown wings and left this Earth behind. The pain I feel at times is all-consuming. There are moments when the pain becomes too much and I actually fall to my knees and sob. But there are also times when the pain isn't so hard to bare and I find myself smiling or laughing (usually at something silly your daddy says or does). Daddy and I miss you so so so much, but we are trying to be strong. We know you wouldn't have wanted us to be sad forever. A month ago I didn't think I would ever be where I am right now. I was so defeated, so broken. Honestly all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die so I could hold you. I still feel defeated and broken at times, every day brings something new in this roller coaster process called grief, but I also feel something I didn't feel a month ago, and that is hope. Hope that daddy and I are going to be okay. Hope that eventually I will have more good days then bad days. Hope that I will have more laughter and smiles then tears. Hope that someday I will be able to accept losing you. Hope that someday you will have a little brother or sister here on Earth and they will be so lucky to have the greatest guardian angel. Hope that one day when my time on Earth is done I will finally get to hold you in my arms. Hope that there is a greater purpose behind all of this, one that I don't understand yet, but with time I will.
While it will never be okay that I lost you, there have been things that have happened to me in the past month that I find myself wondering if it's you sending me a message from Heaven. If it's you saying "it's okay momma, smile, laugh, be happy. I'm safe and happy up here." Through my loss I started writing again, and through my writing I have had the opportunity to meet, talk with, and become friends with some amazing women who have also loss their babies. One of these amazing ladies, all the way from New York, has been so kind and supportive this past month. I like to think you and Baby Mammot played a role in us becoming friends. Thank you for that baby, I really needed a friend like her.
Don't get me wrong, none of this makes it okay that I lost you and I would give all of it up in a heartbeat if I could have you back, but I can't. So I share your story with others and I listen to the stories of others. We cry, we laugh, we vent, and we remember our babies. And I promise I will continue to do this. No matter what anyone else says or thinks I won't stop talking about you. I won't stop sharing your story. I won't stop missing you. And I will never, ever stop loving you. Missing and loving you more with every breath I take.

Love,
Your Momma

Project Thankful-Days 6-8

I know...I know I am behind on my days. Last week I felt okay for the first time in weeks. I felt like I was starting to move forward, like maybe things were going to be alright after all. And then this week happened and I feel like a dark cloud of gloom is following me around every where ago. I feel like everything that can go wrong is going wrong. I feel like I took one step forward last week and this week I just took five steps back. So as I am sitting here tonight feeling sorry for myself my hope is if I can find some things to be thankful for, maybe I can take another step forward.

Day 6: I have been blessed with many amazing women in my life. I come from a large family and have many aunts who are all special in their own way. And while I am extremely thankful for all of my aunts and all the things they have done for me, this week I am extremely thankful for my Aunt Sherri Hopper. The love and support she has shown me these past few weeks has been amazing, and I can never thank her enough. Randy and I were so blessed to have an amazing support group to lean on after the loss of Baby Sellers. But as time goes on and we try to get back into a normal routine I feel like the support group we had at first has gotten smaller. I get this. Our house isn't a house of happiness, it's a house of loss and grieving  and that makes people uncomfortable. That is why I am so thankful for my Aunt Sherri. She continues to check up on me weekly. Whether it's a text, phone call, or Facebook message. She let's me know she is thinking of me and is there for anything I need. And that is exactly what I need right now. I need to know that I have people who will let me grieve without judgement, who will just listen, who love me no matter what. So thank you so much Aunt Sherri, I love you.

Day 7: I am thankful for the greatest roommate and friend I could ever have, Kayla. Not everyone has a friend who will jump in their car after working all day and drive four hours just to surprise me with pickle wraps and a hug. And then take care of me when a horrible flu bug hits me and I can't stop throwing up. You are seriously the greatest person ever! Thank you so much for being my friend and for loving me even when I am a complete mess.

Day 8: I am thankful for my job, including my students, co-workers and boss. They have been so gracious the past few weeks. My students remind me it's okay to smile and laugh every now and then. When things get to hard and I need a minute to compose myself, my co-workers take over for me without asking a single question. When I need a day to lay on the couch, eat ice cream, and feel sorry for myself instead of coming into work, my boss says take all the time I need. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have a job like that, so I am very thankful to work for a wonderful school district.

Project Thankful-Day 5

Day 5~Today I am thankful for my amazing sister-in-law Ariane and her four beautiful children who I am so lucky to be Aunt Randa to. Ariane and I became close soon after Randy and I first started dating 6 years ago, and she has become one of my best and closest friends. I have always known I could count on her for anything, but in the weeks following the loss of Baby Sellers she has gone above and beyond the duties of a sister-in-law. She has cried with me. She has been with me when I'm scared to be alone (bringing Pumpkin Spice Lattes and donuts). She listens to me talk about Baby Sellers for hours on end and never once looks at me like I'm crazy. She calls and texts me just to ask how I'm doing and if I need anything. She has done all of this and a million other things all while taking care of her own family of six. I am amazed at her compassion and so very thankful I am able to call her my sister-in-law. I am also so thankful to be an Aunt to her four beautiful and amazing children. They always make me smile, even when all I want to do is cry. I know if some day down the road I do have children Allie, Jack, Charley, and William will be the best cousins my children could have. I love you all so so much.

Ariane and I

Project Thankful-Days 1-4

Day 1: I am thankful for the four months I got to experience Baby Sellers growing inside of me. Although four months will never be enough time, I am grateful for the time I had. So thank you Baby Sellers, thank you for picking me to be your mama. I love you so much, I will never stop loving you.

Day 2: I am thankful for my amazing husband. I love this man more than words can say. God knows I am not the easiest person to love, but he does it every single day. And when life gets too rough for me to take he is my strength, my lifesaver. I love him more every single day I spend with him, and knowing that I get to spend the rest of my life with him gives me comfort that no matter what, every little thing is going to be alright.

Day 3: I am thankful for my dad. I am amazed by the strength and compassion he has. No one would have blamed him for giving up after my mom died, but he didn't. As much as he was hurting he kept it together for my brother, sister, and I. He loved us enough to put our happiness and our well being before his own. I would not be the person I am today if it wasn't for him. He is my hero.

Day 4: I am thankful for my brother and my sister. Most people don't learn to appreciate their siblings until later in life, but from a young age I knew these two were the best friends I could ever have. We laugh, we cry, we fight, but most importantly we love each other. I know if I ever need anything all I have to do is call these two and no matter where they are, no matter what they are doing, they will drop everything to be there for  me. And I am so thankful for that.

...the saddest ending.

I recently began reading a book that began with the sentence "This is the happiest story with the saddest ending." I feel like this quote perfectly sums up the last four months of my life. They were the happiest four months of my life, but they have the saddest ending. And while each day gets a little easier, I am still haunted every second of every day by the fact that my baby is no longer with me. Losing Baby Sellers is the hardest and saddest thing I have ever been through, but I cannot regret anything, I cannot wish to take any of it back because then I wouldn't have the four happiest months of my life either. All my life I have wanted to be a mom, and while this wasn't what I pictured motherhood to be like, I am now a mother to a beautiful angel in Heaven. I have experienced the unconditional love a mother has for it's child. I have experienced what it is to love someone with every cell of my being, without ever laying eyes on them. I have experienced the anxiety of wanting to protect my child from all the horribleness in the world, but having to accept somethings are just out of my control. Maybe someday I will have children here on this Earth and maybe I won't, but no matter what my future holds I have had the opportunity to experience one of the greatest things a woman can experience, I am a mother.

A few days ago I met with my grief counselor and she kept referring to me as being a resilient person. I was confused about what she meant by this and she explained that a resilient person is someone who faces adversity and/or tragedy and is not only able to adapt and bounce back to some sort of normalcy, but grows and becomes even better and stronger then they were before. While I don't feel like I've bounced back yet, I know I am getting there. It is never going to get better, there is nothing that can make losing my baby better, but it is starting to get a little easier every day. It is still a roller coaster ride. One day I feel like I'm finally going to be okay, then the next day I feel like I am back to square one again, but I am slowly getting there. At times I am completely consumed by my grief, but I have hope that one day I will be okay again. Even more then that, I will be better. While there is nothing good or okay about losing a child, there is nothing that can justify losing my baby, I do know if I am blessed enough to go on to have children I will be an even better mom. I won't mind being up all night with a crying baby because I know what it's like to have it taken away. Even when my children are driving me crazy, I will be thankful that I have children to drive me crazy. I know I won't ever be a perfect mom, but I know if I am able to have children in the future I will never take them for granted because I know how easily they can be taken away.

Many of my friends and family have been doing Project Thankful on Facebook or on their blogs, and at first I didn't want to do it. I didn't feel thankful for anything this year, but I now know how untrue this is. Even though my world feels dark, I know that I have many things to be thankful for. So while I am a little late I will participate in Project Thankful....stay tuned.

3 weeks...

It is crazy how one single moment, one second, can change a person's life. The impact of that one moment can completely change a person, for better or for worse. 3 weeks ago I was a blissfully happy pregnant girl. My belly was growing and I was busy planning for my family of two to become a family of three. Little did I know that my world was going to change, I was going to change for the worse.

I thought I would be happy for a  new month to begin. While the beginning of October was happy and uneventful, the end of October was hell. But with November finally here, all I can seem to think about is the things I would be doing if I still had my baby. I SHOULD be 20 weeks pregnant this week, half-way through my pregnancy. I SHOULD be excited about revealing the gender of our baby to our families at Thanksgiving. I SHOULD be excited about Thanksgiving and using the "I'm eating for two" excuse to get thirds on mashed potatoes. Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday. I loved the food, time with family, and all the traditions that went along with it. This year however, I'm dreading the upcoming holidays. I don't feel very thankful or cheerful this year. And while this used to be my favorite time of the year, this year the holidays will be tainted with the fact that my baby is gone. I know this is selfish of me. I know I have many things to be thankful for this year. I know I have an amazing husband, a loving family, and wonderfully supportive friends who have all been there for me over the past 3 weeks, but some how it just doesn't feel like enough. That is what I miss most about the girl I was 3 weeks ago. She would have remained positive and optimistic. She would have been strong and focused on all the good things in her life rather then focusing on the bad things. But I'm not that girl anymore. I am an empty shell of the person I used to be trying to find my way through the chaos that is now my life, trying to find some sense of normalcy. Maybe one day I will be that girl again, but even if I get back to her I will always be missing a piece of my heart, the piece my baby took with him to Heaven.

“Dusk is just an illusion because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are there cannot be one without the other yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel I remember wondering to be always together yet forever apart?”~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

My baby will always be in my heart....yet we will always be forever apart...