Project Thankful-Day 13

I know, I know I have skipped a few days throughout the 30 days of thankfulness. Last week was a really tough week for me between arguing non-stop with my medical insurance on the tests they will or will not cover, and hitting the one month mark of losing Baby Sellers, and missing my mom on her birthday, and on top of all of that it's getting cold and I really really really don't want it to get cold. I realize that is a whole lot of whining all wrapped up into one paragraph-but in the spirit of the holidays, you can cut me a break right!?!  Last week caught me off guard and by the time this morning rolled around I was just thankful I had made it through one of the hardest weeks since I loss my baby. So for last week I am thankful that I didn't give up and hide in my bed under the covers (because let's face it, that is EXACTLY what I wanted to do).

With the advice of my grief counselor, my mantra for the holidays is to take it one day at a time (because quite frankly idea of the holidays is terrifying me right now. Can I run away to a beach until February please?) and try to not look at the whole picture. I can't look at the bigger picture right now because I feel like my baby should belong in that bigger picture and it doesn't,(well it does, but not in the way I saw the big picture 3 months ago) and that just makes me sad. I don't know what the bigger picture is any more. And that is why I shouldn't be focusing on it right now. If I continue to focus on it I will become extremely anxious and obsessive about figuring out what's next and when will I have my baby or what if I don't have another baby or why did my baby have to die? And all of these questions will literally drive me crazy. I have to stop now or my husband and my father will have no choice but to rent me a room at the nut house. And I really don't want to spend the holidays there.

So I will try my hardest to take one day at a time, one moment at a time. I will try to let go and let life happen without trying to plan every second of it. And if it seems like I am NOT letting go and taking one day at a time, I am calling upon you, my friends, family, and followers, to make me let go. Despite what my little sister thinks about violent force being necessary, it really isn't. I just need reminded when I let me mind go to far and start playing the "what-if" game or the "blame" game that it is time to just let go. I can't control any of it, so I NEED TO LET IT GO. If it isn't obvious yet, this is going to be really hard for me. I hate not being in control, I need to know what is happening and why it is happening all the time, I may be what some people consider a control freak. So.....here I go.....one foot at a time.....one day at a time. Maybe I will find my happiness again outside of the bigger picture.