Dearest Baby Sellers,
Every night I lay down to sleep and a million thoughts run through my head. Did you know how much I loved you? Are you safe? Are you happy? So today I decided to tell you somethings that I think you should know.
First you should know that daddy and I loved you so so so much. We had wanted you for so long, and the minute we found you were growing inside of me we instantly fell in love. I can't remember for sure if I told you this. I know I thought it every minute of every day, but did I tell you? I thought we had all the time in the world, and I'm sorry for taking the time we had for granted. You should know you had your daddy's nose (at least that's what it looked like in the ultrasound) and you had long legs like him. You should know that you were a hard core Iowa Hawkeye's fan and daddy was already convinced you would play football for them someday (in his eyes you were a little boy). :-) You should know that as much as I love you, I would have had to be the "mean" parent. You would have your daddy so wrapped around your tiny finger he couldn't be mad at you if he wanted. I would tell you that you already had the best dog, friend, and protector in the world. From the minute you started growing in my tummy Hank could sense the change in me, and every single night he would curl up right beside my tummy to sleep. He already loved you, too.
You should know that the four months you were growing inside me you made your Papa Steve the happiest I had seen him in a long time. He was so excited for his first grandbaby and would tease me that if you were anything like me, I would get my payback for all the gray hairs I gave him. He would have been the best Papa ever. You should know your Aunt Tay-Tay was planning for you the minute I told her you were coming. She was already shopping, planning baby showers, and talking about all the spoiling she was going to do. You should know that you made me happier in the 4 months that you were growing inside of me than I have ever been.
Most importantly little nugget you should know how sorry I am. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep you safe. That was my one job as a mother, to keep you safe and happy, and I failed. I'm sorry I didn't know that something was going terribly wrong inside of me. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you, I didn't know. And I would walk through fire, I would move mountains if it would bring you back to me. I know some day we will meet again, and I will know immediately who you are. Until that day comes I will think of you every minute of every day. I love you my little nugget, to the moon and back.
Love,
Your Mommy
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
God Laughs
When I was a little girl I used to tell my wonderful Grandma Bauer the plans I had for my life. I wanted to find my handsome prince, get married, have lots of babies, and live happily ever after. That was what I wanted, and I wasn't going to give up until I got what I wanted. My Grandma would always reply with "Miranda Lynn, if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." As a little girl this always puzzled me, I mean it was my life, why wouldn't my carefully thought out plans become a reality?
My life has had more than it's share of struggles. At age 10 my mom died and I was forced to grow up way sooner then I should have. Three years later my Grandma Bauer, who was my rock and helped take care of my brother, sister and I after my mom died, also passed away. Ever since then it seems like year after year someone I love has been taken away. Uncles, aunts, close friends, its been never ending. And the result of all these losses is a faith that unfortunately is wavering. The idea that there is a greater power, someone else in control is comforting. But it is also unnerving. I have this plan of what my life is supposed to be, and it's not happening. And accepting that my plan and God's plan just aren't the same is very difficult for me to accept. I can't see the bigger picture, I can't see how all of this is going to make sense down the road.
I don't want to believe, I can't believe, God is a spiteful God, but after all the bad things that have happened isn't it time for my life to have some goodness in it? Some happiness in it? This baby was my happiness, I loved this baby so so so much. So why couldn't I keep it? Why couldn't part of my plan finally happen? I've gone through two of the hardest losses a person can endure. I loss my mom and I loss my child. I don't understand God's plan, and hopefully someday I will be able to look back and say "that part of my life really did suck, but look where I am now", but for now I will continue to struggle to make it through each day, and I will try my hardest to put my life in God's hands and let his will be done. And if I can do this maybe one sweet day I will see my mom again, hold my sweet baby in my arms, and maybe even laugh along with God about the plans I had for my life.
My life has had more than it's share of struggles. At age 10 my mom died and I was forced to grow up way sooner then I should have. Three years later my Grandma Bauer, who was my rock and helped take care of my brother, sister and I after my mom died, also passed away. Ever since then it seems like year after year someone I love has been taken away. Uncles, aunts, close friends, its been never ending. And the result of all these losses is a faith that unfortunately is wavering. The idea that there is a greater power, someone else in control is comforting. But it is also unnerving. I have this plan of what my life is supposed to be, and it's not happening. And accepting that my plan and God's plan just aren't the same is very difficult for me to accept. I can't see the bigger picture, I can't see how all of this is going to make sense down the road.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Strong
Strong (adjective)
1.
Physically
powerful
a.
Having
the physical strength needed to exert considerable force, e.g. in lifting,
pulling, or pushing something
2.
Using
force
a.
Using
great physical force
3.
Robust
and sturdy
a.
Sturdy,
well made, and not easily damaged or broken
4.
Emotionally
resilient
a.
Having
the necessary emotional qualities to deal with stress, grief, loss, risk, and
other difficulties
5.
Healthy
and well
a.
Being
in good health especially after an illness
i.
Feeling
stronger every day
6.
Thriving
a.
Thriving,
developing well, and likely to continue so
i.
A
strong economy
7.
Likely
to succeed
a.
Very
likely to succeed, win, or come to be something
i.
A
strong candidate for the job
So many
people have told me in the last couple of weeks “how strong I am”. It’s ironic
because I feel a lot of things right now, but strong is not one of them. In my
mind a “strong” person is someone who gets back up every time life knocks them
down, dusts themselves off, and keeps on trucking. I am not that person. Life
has knocked me down, but I have not gotten back up. I am still lying flat on my
back with my head spinning, trying to figure out what in the world just
happened to my life and my dreams. I am not strong, I am the opposite. I am
weak and defeated. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, I don’t want
to shower, I don’t want to do my make-up or my hair, I don’t want to drive to
work, I don’t want to GO to work,
the only thing I WANT is my baby
back. I don’t WANT to do all of these
things; I do them because I HAVE to.
I am not strong; I am just trying to survive.
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
My whole world came crashing down
I am the face of a loss. I am the one in four women who will suffer from a miscarriage, infant loss, or still birth. This is my story of a horrific loss, and this is my journey to find some sort of healing.
As far back as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. I love children. I love their innocence, their curiosity, their ability to speak exactly what's on their mind, and the way they seem to make the world a better place. And while I have been blessed with many children in my life, cousins, nieces, nephews, and students, I have always yearned for the day when I would have a baby to call my own. In the fall of 2011 Randy and I decided we were ready (as ready as we would ever be) to take that next step and become parents. I was ecstatic. We tried and tried to no avail, and after 10 months we decided maybe it was time to seek out the help of a professional. I went to see my family doctor and after running some tests she decided it would be a good idea for us to see a fertility specialist. At this point I began to become discouraged. I mean wasn't getting pregnant supposed to be easy? Look how many unwanted pregnancies occur in our country year after year. Here Randy and I were wanting a baby so badly and yet it didn't seem to be in the cards for us. We met with the fertility specialist and she believed I had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which essentially means that my body was not ovulating. However, she needed to run some expensive tests to verify this diagnosis and our health insurance would not cover the cost of infertility tests or treatment. Randy and I decided instead of paying thousands of dollars out of pocket we would just keep trying, and if a few years down the road we still didn't have our baby we would explore fertility treatment.
A month after our appointment with the fertility specialist I realized my period was a couple of weeks late. Due to the PCOS this was common for me, so I didn't think too much of it, but decided to take a pregnancy test just to be sure. Imagine my shock when I realized it was positive. Randy was even more shocked than I was and made me take two more tests just to be sure. All the tests were positive so I set up an appointment with my doctor to confirm, and sure enough we were expecting our little miracle nugget. I was 6 weeks along and we couldn't have been happier. About a week after my pregnancy was confirmed I woke up in the middle of the night with really bad cramping. I was terrified that I was about to lose this little baby I had dreamed about my whole life. I called my OBGYN and they had me come in right away the next day. They did an ultrasound and discovered that I had actually been pregnant with TWINS, but for some unknown reason one of the babies had stopped developing. I was shocked and sad for the lost baby, but I was grateful I still had one healthy little peanut. Everything was fine at my 8 week ultrasound, and at my 12 week appointment our little nugget was moving all over the place. The ultrasound tech kept getting frustrated because every time she tried to get a heart rate our little nugget would start doing flips...I knew then and there our little nugget would be just like Randy, always making things more difficult then they have to be. At our 12 week appointment my doctor was a little concerned about a band that had developed in my amniotic sac. He said he wanted to keep a closer eye on me just to make sure the band didn't harm the baby, but so far everything was okay. I was a little scared but my nugget was so active I just KNEW he/she was going to be okay. The weeks seemed to drag on until my next appointment, but we tried to stay busy picking out nursery themes, making lists of baby names, and taking pictures of my plump belly. October 12, 2012, the day of my 16 week appointment arrived and I was over the moon. I was finally going to get to see my little nugget again AND find out if we would be having a little boy or girl. Randy and I were full of hope and happiness on that car ride to the doctors office, little did we know our whole world was about to be turned upside down.
I knew as soon as the ultrasound tech started waving the wand over my stomach that something wasn't right. I had been able to see my little nugget right away during all my previous ultrasounds, but I couldn't see my baby on the screen, everything just looked distorted. After a couple of minutes she said six words that completely shattered my happiness "I can't find a heart beat." She left to get the doctor and I lost it. Randy tried to stay optimistic saying "Maybe the nugget is just hiding", but I knew...I knew there wasn't a little nugget anymore. The doctor finally came in after what seemed like forever and confirmed there was no heart beat...our little nugget, our little love, our baby was gone. I completely shut down, the doctor started talking about our options but I didn't hear a word he was saying. How could this have happened? How could this little baby, a testament of mine and Randy's love, the baby I had longed for my whole life just be gone? I wanted this baby, I needed this baby, it couldn't be gone. After talking with the doctor we decided a D&C was the best option. I didn't want to deliver the baby, I couldn't, knowing that after all the pain I wasn't going to be bringing the baby home with me. The doctor scheduled the D&C for two days later.
Now here it is, 11 days later and I still feel empty. I feel numb. I feel completely loss. I still don't understand why this happened, and I'm sure I never will. All I know is our little baby made me more happy in the 4 months that I carried him/her than I have been in my entire life. I love you so much Baby Sellers and I cannot wait until the day I finally get to hold you in my arms.
As far back as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. I love children. I love their innocence, their curiosity, their ability to speak exactly what's on their mind, and the way they seem to make the world a better place. And while I have been blessed with many children in my life, cousins, nieces, nephews, and students, I have always yearned for the day when I would have a baby to call my own. In the fall of 2011 Randy and I decided we were ready (as ready as we would ever be) to take that next step and become parents. I was ecstatic. We tried and tried to no avail, and after 10 months we decided maybe it was time to seek out the help of a professional. I went to see my family doctor and after running some tests she decided it would be a good idea for us to see a fertility specialist. At this point I began to become discouraged. I mean wasn't getting pregnant supposed to be easy? Look how many unwanted pregnancies occur in our country year after year. Here Randy and I were wanting a baby so badly and yet it didn't seem to be in the cards for us. We met with the fertility specialist and she believed I had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which essentially means that my body was not ovulating. However, she needed to run some expensive tests to verify this diagnosis and our health insurance would not cover the cost of infertility tests or treatment. Randy and I decided instead of paying thousands of dollars out of pocket we would just keep trying, and if a few years down the road we still didn't have our baby we would explore fertility treatment.
A month after our appointment with the fertility specialist I realized my period was a couple of weeks late. Due to the PCOS this was common for me, so I didn't think too much of it, but decided to take a pregnancy test just to be sure. Imagine my shock when I realized it was positive. Randy was even more shocked than I was and made me take two more tests just to be sure. All the tests were positive so I set up an appointment with my doctor to confirm, and sure enough we were expecting our little miracle nugget. I was 6 weeks along and we couldn't have been happier. About a week after my pregnancy was confirmed I woke up in the middle of the night with really bad cramping. I was terrified that I was about to lose this little baby I had dreamed about my whole life. I called my OBGYN and they had me come in right away the next day. They did an ultrasound and discovered that I had actually been pregnant with TWINS, but for some unknown reason one of the babies had stopped developing. I was shocked and sad for the lost baby, but I was grateful I still had one healthy little peanut. Everything was fine at my 8 week ultrasound, and at my 12 week appointment our little nugget was moving all over the place. The ultrasound tech kept getting frustrated because every time she tried to get a heart rate our little nugget would start doing flips...I knew then and there our little nugget would be just like Randy, always making things more difficult then they have to be. At our 12 week appointment my doctor was a little concerned about a band that had developed in my amniotic sac. He said he wanted to keep a closer eye on me just to make sure the band didn't harm the baby, but so far everything was okay. I was a little scared but my nugget was so active I just KNEW he/she was going to be okay. The weeks seemed to drag on until my next appointment, but we tried to stay busy picking out nursery themes, making lists of baby names, and taking pictures of my plump belly. October 12, 2012, the day of my 16 week appointment arrived and I was over the moon. I was finally going to get to see my little nugget again AND find out if we would be having a little boy or girl. Randy and I were full of hope and happiness on that car ride to the doctors office, little did we know our whole world was about to be turned upside down.
I knew as soon as the ultrasound tech started waving the wand over my stomach that something wasn't right. I had been able to see my little nugget right away during all my previous ultrasounds, but I couldn't see my baby on the screen, everything just looked distorted. After a couple of minutes she said six words that completely shattered my happiness "I can't find a heart beat." She left to get the doctor and I lost it. Randy tried to stay optimistic saying "Maybe the nugget is just hiding", but I knew...I knew there wasn't a little nugget anymore. The doctor finally came in after what seemed like forever and confirmed there was no heart beat...our little nugget, our little love, our baby was gone. I completely shut down, the doctor started talking about our options but I didn't hear a word he was saying. How could this have happened? How could this little baby, a testament of mine and Randy's love, the baby I had longed for my whole life just be gone? I wanted this baby, I needed this baby, it couldn't be gone. After talking with the doctor we decided a D&C was the best option. I didn't want to deliver the baby, I couldn't, knowing that after all the pain I wasn't going to be bringing the baby home with me. The doctor scheduled the D&C for two days later.
Now here it is, 11 days later and I still feel empty. I feel numb. I feel completely loss. I still don't understand why this happened, and I'm sure I never will. All I know is our little baby made me more happy in the 4 months that I carried him/her than I have been in my entire life. I love you so much Baby Sellers and I cannot wait until the day I finally get to hold you in my arms.
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