Hope for the New Year

Today is the last day of 2012 and I can't help but sit here and think about the crazy roller coaster ride this year has been. 4 months ago I was excited for 2013, because that meant I only had 3 months left until Randy and I met Baby Sellers, but now I am ready for 2013 for a whole new reason. As I sit here and reflect on the year I'm finding as much as I don't want to believe it 2012 held a lot of good things for me and my family. I graduated with my Bachelor's degree in Elementary Education, I got my first teaching job, I gained a new sister when my brother got married, I found out I was expecting, and I received a new nephew. That's a lot of good things and I am so grateful for them all, but 2012 also holds the worst day(s) of my life. When I think back to 2012 years from now, I won't remember it as the year I graduated or got my first teaching job, I will always remember it as the year I lost my baby.

The coming of 2013 is bittersweet. I'm terrified for what it holds. I know getting through March and my due date is going to especially hard. I'm also terrified because what if 2013 comes and goes and Randy and I still don't have a baby? I'm not in control, God is, and that terrifies me. If 2012 has taught me anything it is that I am not in control and rather then fight that I need to let go and let God. I am scared for 2013, but I'm also ready. 2013 means a new start. It means I went through hell and survived. It means as much as I hate to admit it, I am stronger. My wish for 2013 is that Randy and I will continue to heal. We will become an even stronger couple then we are now, and hopefully one way or another our little family of two will become a family of three. No matter what though, my resolution for 2013 is to live each day like it is my last day, because this past year has taught me that life can change drastically in the blink of an eye. Thank you to Randy, my family, and my friends (new and old) for being there for me and helping me get through these past couple of months, I never would have made it through without you. Here's to hoping that 2013 is a year filled of joy, happiness, hope for a better tomorrow,  and that we all learn to dance in the rain.

Know you're not alone

Dear Baby Sellers,

Well daddy and I survived the holiday season without you. Honestly, it wasn't as horrible as I had built it up in my mind to be. My biggest fear is that people will forget about you, about the impact you had on my life. I know daddy and I will never forget you because the love we feel for you will never go away, but what about everyone else? What about our friends and family, will they remember you 6 months from now, a year from now, 10 years from now? Life goes on and daddy and I continue to find a new sense of normal, but just  because we are finding our new normal doesn't mean our hearts aren't still broken, that our arms aren't still aching to hold you, and that will NEVER go away. It drives me crazy when people see me going out, smiling, and laughing and assume that I am all better. I will never be better, I will never be the person I used to be, I will always have a hole in my heart. But I realize I can't wallow in self-pity all the time. So yes I go to work, I go shopping, I hang out with friends, I do these things because as much as I don't want it to life goes on.

Daddy and I can't pretend that you never happened because you were the best thing that ever happened to us, and why would we ever want to forget that? And nothing hurts worst then being around people who act like nothing ever happened, like everything is just fine. These people don't talk about you and when I bring you up they either ignore me or quickly change the subject. These people never check in on daddy and I or ask how we are doing. And that really hurts. But for every person who has not been there for daddy and I over these past couple of months, there or other people who have been absolutely amazing.It reminds me we are not alone. Sometimes I get caught up in my own grief and forget that I wasn't the only one who loved and wanted you. You had grandparents who were so excited for your arrival. You had aunts, uncles, and cousins who couldn't wait to meet you. You had so many people who loved you from the very beginning, and all of these people were heartbroken when we lost you. So yes I am afraid that people will forget about you, and a lot of people probably will, but daddy and I and all the people who love you so very much never will. Daddy and I asked these people to light a candle for you on Christmas and it brought tears to my eyes to see just how many people actually did this. I received so many pictures, texts, and messages letting me know that a candle for Baby Sellers had been lit. I love you so very much baby and miss you more than you could ever know.

Love,
Your Momma

God, where are you?

God,

I know I am not perfect, and I know I have been struggling with my faith lately, but I have to ask where are you? Do you see how many horrible, tragic things are happening lately? Why aren't you stopping them? Innocent children are being shot and killed while at school, people are being killed while doing some shopping, families are looking for children that have been abducted for months only to find their little angels are dead, too many couples who want a baby so badly lose their babies or cannot have babies while teenagers and drug addicts seem to be able to pop them out with no problem. There is so much bad stuff happening, do you see it? Do you care? I want to believe there is something  more after this life, some greater purpose, but all these bad things make it so hard.

I want to believe that some day I will hold mine and Randy's baby in my arms, that I will experience that overwhelming joy. But right now I don't believe that. Too many bad things have happened to me, to people I care about, to the world. I know if I get my hopes up, I'll just be disappointed. So I don't know where you are God, or why all these bad things seem to happen. But I could use a sign, the world could use a sign that love does conquer evil. That goodness still does exist in this dark and scary world. I could use some hope that my life is going to get better. Because right now I am all out of faith.

Time can not erase

Dearest Baby Sellers,

Two months...that's how much time has gone by since daddy and I learned you had grown wings and left this Earth behind. I thought things would be easier by now, but they are not. I still cry, my heart is still broken, my thoughts are still full of what could have been, and my arms are still empty. I should not be counting up the days since you left me. I should be counting down the days till your arrival. I should be feeling you kick inside me. I should be finishing up the nursery and picking out baby names. But I'm not. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!! I don't understand why this had to happen to me, to us. I wanted you more than I've ever wanted anything and your gone. I'm left here trying to put the pieces of my life back together, trying to move forward because that's what everyone says I am supposed to do. Sometimes I envy you dear baby. I'm sure it's beautiful where ever you are, I'm sure it's peaceful, I'm sure you're happy. I wish I could find peace...I wish I could find happiness.

Everyone says that time will heal, that I'll be okay, but I don't believe them. How can time heal something so painful? So tragic? The love I feel for you is so real, and that doesn't just go away. The emptiness my heart feels isn't going to go away because you took a piece of me to heaven with you. This pain is too real and time cannot erase it. I miss you so much, my heart is broken. I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most, I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well :'(

I wish these past 2 months were just a nightmare, a horrible horrible nightmare, but I would wake up and still have you here with me....

My arms are aching for you baby.

Love,
Your Momma

Faith

Yesterday I had my sweet little nieces and nephews over to decorate some Christmas cookies for Santa. After the decorating festivities we all settled down to watch Pocohontas (one of my all time favorite Disney movies). As we were watching the movie we were talking and someone mentioned something about when Randy and I have a baby. I quickly corrected them saying IF Randy and I have a baby. My nephew Jack who has snuggled up on my lap looked up at me after I said this and said "Aunt Randa you WILL have a baby." I hugged that sweet little boy tight and tried not to cry. How I wish I had the faith of this little guy who I love so much.

I am trying, and some days I have a lot of faith that our little baby is somewhere in the near future, but then there are days that I am just waiting for the next bad thing to happen to me. I thought having a diagnosis would help me move forward. I am happy to have an answer, and I am grateful that for the most part it has a simple "solution", but that part scares me. Nothing has ever come easily to me, and I'm scared to get my hopes up now. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall.I'm waiting for them to discover something else that won't allow me to have children. Today I'm just having a hard time keeping the faith....

And the results are in...

A couple of weeks ago I had a whole bunch of test done to try and determine why we loss Baby Sellers. I realize with miscarriages there are many women who never get an answer, an explanation to why their baby died so I've been trying not to get my hopes up that we would get an answer. After my D&C the baby and placenta were sent in for testing and that came back inconclusive. So we will never know if there was or was not something wrong with our baby. This news was really hard to accept at first, but it's getting easier. After the inconclusive testing on the baby it was my turn to get poked and prodded. I had over 20 vials of blood drawn (all in the same day =/) with the hope that we would get some kind of an explanation. That hope is a double edged sword. On one hand I want an explanation, a reason for why my baby had to die, but on the other hand I hope that there isn't anything wrong with me. That this was just a really crappy thing that happened but I will be able to go on and have a "normal" pregnancy in the future.

Well the results are in and I have what they call a MTHFR gene mutation. I encourage you to Google it if you want more information on what this is, because it's very confusing and  while I can attempt to explain it, it may not be completely accurate. I am meeting with my doctor on Monday to discuss this diagnosis more, so until then I only have limited knowledge of this diagnosis. According to Google many people have this gene mutation, but not everyone develops symptoms. It just depends if the mutation is homozygous or heterozygous. So the good news is I have a diagnosis, the bad news is I have to go have more testing done to determine if the mutation is homozygous or heterozygous. If the mutation is homozygous it's likely this mutation had nothing to do with me losing the baby. If it is heterozygous this mutation can cause a blood clotting disorder, which may have led to me losing the baby. This mutation can also cause my body to not absorb the needed amino acids needed during pregnancy. I know this is a lot of information and it's overwhelming (trust me, I'm super overwhelmed!).

The great news is that if the mutation is heterozygous there are treatment options to try and prevent another pregnancy loss. I'll have more information on Monday as far as the diagnosis and what our plan of action will be for my next pregnancy. Please continue to pray for Randy and I, hopefully 2013 will still bring us a baby!

Signs

Okay, I know this is the second post today but I just HAD to share this.

After losing Baby Sellers I've read blogs from other baby loss mama's and many of them have talked about seeing or finding signs that make them believe their baby is okay. For example seeing butterflies, dragonflies, a beautiful sunset and many other things that make them feel closer to their babies. Since losing my baby I have been praying and looking every where for a sign that my baby is okay. I like to think I have been pretty open to anything that may have been a sign from up above, but I haven't felt like I've seen one...until today that is.

Iowa is experiencing some much warmer weather than usual for this time of year (60's in December in Iowa?!) so I decided to take advantage of this lovely weather and take Hank for a walk. About a mile into our walk I happen to look down at the ground and see this...

Now for those of you who don't know this is what the ribbon for pregnancy and infant loss looks like, blue and pink ribbon wrapped together. Quite the coincidence huh!? And right as I'm bending down to pick it up my Pandora station starts playing In My Arms by Plumb, the lyrics to this song talk about a mother wanting to protect her child from the cruel world:

Your baby blues, so full of wonder
Your curly cues, your contagious smile
And as I watch, you start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in but you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down, waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies

When the clouds will rage
And storms will race in but you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down, waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always, always love you

When the clouds will rage
And storms will race in but you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down, waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms, in my arms

This song makes me cry every time I hear it, because I would have done everything in my power to protect my baby. This song also reminds me that no matter what I will be safe in God's arms, and he will carry me through the parts of my life that are just too hard. I've been waiting for a sign that would tell me my baby is okay, that I will be okay....I think I just got it.

Holding on to the Good

Dearest Baby Sellers,

The Christmas season is upon us. Another holiday that I will never get to spend with you. I was dreading the upcoming holiday. Christmas is a time of love, joy and laughter and feeling those things makes me feel guilty. When I feel joy or when I'm laughing it is often followed by the feeling of guilt, because you aren't here with me and I should be sad about that. I realize though that this isn't how my holiday season should be. I shouldn't be sad and unhappy because you wouldn't want me to be. I shouldn't feel guilty about being happy and laughing because you would want me to do those things. No one knows more then you do how much I miss you, because no one knows more then you how much I loved and wanted you. Being happy again doesn't mean that I am forgetting you, it means I'm letting go of all the bad and holding on to the good. Because you gave me and continue to give me so many good things. 

Instead of being sad that you won't be with me this holiday season, I am going to be happy that you get to spend your first Christmas with three of the greatest women I know; your Grandma Lori, your Great Grandma Bauer, and your Great Grandma Helen. I know without a doubt in my mind these three wonderful ladies are taking care of you and will make sure you have the best Christmas ever. Grandma Lori will teach you how to make the best sugar cookies ever, and even let you eat some of the cookie dough (but not too much or you'll get a stomachache!). Great Grandma Bauer will teach you how to knit so you can make a stocking and I really hope there is snow in Heaven because Great Grandma Bauer will help you make the best snowman ever. Great Grandma Helen will teach you how to make her Swedish Meatballs (it's not Christmas without them) and help you decorate a Christmas tree. I know that you will have a wonderful Christmas because you will get to experience some of my favorite Christmas traditions with the women who taught them to me.

Please know that daddy and I will still be missing you, like we do every day, but we will smile knowing you are safe and happy. I love you to the moon and back baby! Please continue to sprinkle your baby dust on daddy and I. Christmas is a time for miracles, I really hope we get a miracle this Christmas.

Love,
Your Momma

Questions

Dearest Baby Sellers,

I cannot believe it has been 47 days since all my hopes and dreams for you were shattered. How in the world has that much time gone by? How has life continued on when I feel so empty? When I was pregnant with you it felt like time was dragging on, like it was going to be forever before I got to hold you in my arms. Silly me, 9 months was nothing compared to the eternity I face now without you. I have replayed that day in my mind over and over and over again. Wishing things would have played out differently. Wishing the doctor would have said "Just kidding, the baby was hiding here's the heartbeat." But I know that's impossible. Your gone and no amount of prayers or wishful thinking will bring you back.

Your death brings so many unanswered questions with it. Questions that no matter what I do, I will probably never get an answer to. And that terrifies me. Why did I have to lose you? Why did God let me get pregnant if he was just going to take you away? Will I ever get pregnant again? Will I ever be able to have a "normal" full term pregnancy? Or will I be faced with the struggle of infertility? What if this happens again, what if I lose more babies? Will I survive?

As daddy and I start down the path of trying to conceive again these questions run through my mind every minute of every day. I don't want you to think that we are trying to replace you, because we never could. You came to us at a time when we thought we would never get pregnant. You brought us so much happiness. We loved you so much. Your life and your death has made daddy and I appreciate each other more now then ever, you made daddy and I a stronger couple. You will always be our first baby, our little nugget. But daddy and I so badly want a baby here on Earth. So I pray that you and God look over daddy and I as we continue on without you. And I pray that you will sprinkle your baby dust on daddy and I so someday soon we can give you a little brother or sister here on Earth. I know you will be the best guardian angel. I love you and miss you more with every breath I take. Xoxo

Love,
Your Momma

God Gave Me You

Last night at the support group I attend we were talking about how the loss of our babies makes other people really uncomfortable. Losing a baby is a tragedy and tragedies have a funny way of bringing out the best in some people, and unfortunately the worst in others. The people you think are going to be there for you fail to show up, and complete strangers have some of the kindest words. The leader of the support group said we need to find a way to forgive those friends and family members that haven't been there for us. Maybe I am too fresh in my grief still and maybe this is a little harsh but I think that is absolute crap.

I get that the death of a baby makes people really uncomfortable, no one gets that more then me. I don't want to be in this boat. I don't want to be a member of a baby loss support group. I don't want to have a blog based on the loss of my baby. I don't want to know that October 15th is national  pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. But I do, because that's my life now. I don't know how to handle losing my baby, every day is a struggle, and I need people around me to be supportive and to just be there for me no matter what. I know this sounds selfish, but my baby died so I feel like I have the right to be selfish right now. You don't have to say or do anything in particular, just be there. When I need to cry, let me cry. When I need to talk about my baby, let me talk about my baby. When I need to talk about anything, just listen. Don't feel like you have to say something to ease my pain, because honestly there is nothing you can say or do to take my pain away. Nothing is going to fix this. Saying things like "it was God's will", "everything happens for a reason", or "at least you know you can get pregnant" doesn't fix anything, it actually makes me feel worse. I know this sounds mean and I apologize. The grief process is a long process, and I'm not going to get through it easily. I realize it's been a month since we loss our baby, but at the same time it's only been a month. And it doesn't matter if I go on to have 10 babies, I'll never have this one back. Nothing will right this wrong, so instead of trying to fix it, just be there and support me through my grief process.

And to Randy, my friends and family members who have been there relentlessly over the past few weeks. Thank you. I wouldn't be making it through each day if it wasn't for you. Thank you for carrying me through this storm. Thank you for being patient with me and not telling me it's time to get over it or move on. I love you so much for that. God gave me you.

Bittersweet Life

Dearest Baby Sellers,

This weekend Daddy and I went to grandpa and grandma's for a little weekend get-a-way. After the past five weeks and all the hell we've been through, I was more then ready for this. I am very thankful that daddy's parents let us come up and stay with them for the weekend. It makes me sad to think that you'll never get to go stay at grandma and grandpa's for a week during the summer and be spoiled rotten. Getting away was nice and I even had fun for the first time in weeks, but it wasn't the same. Every thing I did, every time I laughed, every time I had fun it was haunted by the fact that you aren't with me anymore. I feel like that is how my life will be from now on. Every good moment, every happy moment, won't be as good or as happy because your not here to experience it with me.

Daddy agreed to go to the Mall of America, he's trying so hard to make me happy again, so we met up with our good friends Matt and Heather and prepared to do some serious shopping. I had fun shopping, but I wasn't prepared for the number of pregnant women and babies I encountered while shopping. I know this is silly, I mean what did I expect at a giant shopping mall? They were every where, and every time I saw one of those blissfully happy pregnant girls I felt like I was being punched in the heart. I am very thankful that my good friend Heather was with me and reminded me to breathe every time we walked pass one of these girls, because it hurt, a lot. I don't feel bitterness towards these girls. I don't want them to lose their babies, I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I am just sad for me, for you, because that should be us. I should have been walking around the mall with my big pregnant belly. I should have felt you kicking after eating spicy wings for lunch. I should have been buying maternity clothes. I should have been shopping at all the baby stores for you and spending way too much money. But I wasn't because that isn't my life anymore. I'm trying to accept this "new" life I have, but it's hard. It isn't fair, our time together wasn't enough. I miss you so much baby. Sending lots of hugs and kisses your way, I hope they find you.

Love,
Your Momma

Project Thankful

 I am so very thankful for my wonderful students. They are the reason I get up and go to work every morning. The things they say and do just melt my heart and make me smile. Like how they think it is the funniest thing in the world when I mix up the words to our Good Morning song and tell me "Mrs. S you sooo silly!" On the days when I feel like I'll never be happy again they say things like  "Mrs. S you smell like sunshine" and I can't help but smile. These little people have been one of my biggest lifesavers this past month. They've taught me how to laugh and smile through the tears, they give me hope that everything will be okay. I love them and owe them so much.

Today I am also thankful for my best bud Hank. There's a million reasons why I love him, but mostly because who can look at this sweet face and NOT smile?

Project Thankful-Day 13

I know, I know I have skipped a few days throughout the 30 days of thankfulness. Last week was a really tough week for me between arguing non-stop with my medical insurance on the tests they will or will not cover, and hitting the one month mark of losing Baby Sellers, and missing my mom on her birthday, and on top of all of that it's getting cold and I really really really don't want it to get cold. I realize that is a whole lot of whining all wrapped up into one paragraph-but in the spirit of the holidays, you can cut me a break right!?!  Last week caught me off guard and by the time this morning rolled around I was just thankful I had made it through one of the hardest weeks since I loss my baby. So for last week I am thankful that I didn't give up and hide in my bed under the covers (because let's face it, that is EXACTLY what I wanted to do).

With the advice of my grief counselor, my mantra for the holidays is to take it one day at a time (because quite frankly idea of the holidays is terrifying me right now. Can I run away to a beach until February please?) and try to not look at the whole picture. I can't look at the bigger picture right now because I feel like my baby should belong in that bigger picture and it doesn't,(well it does, but not in the way I saw the big picture 3 months ago) and that just makes me sad. I don't know what the bigger picture is any more. And that is why I shouldn't be focusing on it right now. If I continue to focus on it I will become extremely anxious and obsessive about figuring out what's next and when will I have my baby or what if I don't have another baby or why did my baby have to die? And all of these questions will literally drive me crazy. I have to stop now or my husband and my father will have no choice but to rent me a room at the nut house. And I really don't want to spend the holidays there.

So I will try my hardest to take one day at a time, one moment at a time. I will try to let go and let life happen without trying to plan every second of it. And if it seems like I am NOT letting go and taking one day at a time, I am calling upon you, my friends, family, and followers, to make me let go. Despite what my little sister thinks about violent force being necessary, it really isn't. I just need reminded when I let me mind go to far and start playing the "what-if" game or the "blame" game that it is time to just let go. I can't control any of it, so I NEED TO LET IT GO. If it isn't obvious yet, this is going to be really hard for me. I hate not being in control, I need to know what is happening and why it is happening all the time, I may be what some people consider a control freak. So.....here I go.....one foot at a time.....one day at a time. Maybe I will find my happiness again outside of the bigger picture.

1 month

Dearest Baby Sellers,

One month ago today daddy and I got the worst news any parent could ever receive. You had grown wings and left this Earth behind. The pain I feel at times is all-consuming. There are moments when the pain becomes too much and I actually fall to my knees and sob. But there are also times when the pain isn't so hard to bare and I find myself smiling or laughing (usually at something silly your daddy says or does). Daddy and I miss you so so so much, but we are trying to be strong. We know you wouldn't have wanted us to be sad forever. A month ago I didn't think I would ever be where I am right now. I was so defeated, so broken. Honestly all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die so I could hold you. I still feel defeated and broken at times, every day brings something new in this roller coaster process called grief, but I also feel something I didn't feel a month ago, and that is hope. Hope that daddy and I are going to be okay. Hope that eventually I will have more good days then bad days. Hope that I will have more laughter and smiles then tears. Hope that someday I will be able to accept losing you. Hope that someday you will have a little brother or sister here on Earth and they will be so lucky to have the greatest guardian angel. Hope that one day when my time on Earth is done I will finally get to hold you in my arms. Hope that there is a greater purpose behind all of this, one that I don't understand yet, but with time I will.
While it will never be okay that I lost you, there have been things that have happened to me in the past month that I find myself wondering if it's you sending me a message from Heaven. If it's you saying "it's okay momma, smile, laugh, be happy. I'm safe and happy up here." Through my loss I started writing again, and through my writing I have had the opportunity to meet, talk with, and become friends with some amazing women who have also loss their babies. One of these amazing ladies, all the way from New York, has been so kind and supportive this past month. I like to think you and Baby Mammot played a role in us becoming friends. Thank you for that baby, I really needed a friend like her.
Don't get me wrong, none of this makes it okay that I lost you and I would give all of it up in a heartbeat if I could have you back, but I can't. So I share your story with others and I listen to the stories of others. We cry, we laugh, we vent, and we remember our babies. And I promise I will continue to do this. No matter what anyone else says or thinks I won't stop talking about you. I won't stop sharing your story. I won't stop missing you. And I will never, ever stop loving you. Missing and loving you more with every breath I take.

Love,
Your Momma

Project Thankful-Days 6-8

I know...I know I am behind on my days. Last week I felt okay for the first time in weeks. I felt like I was starting to move forward, like maybe things were going to be alright after all. And then this week happened and I feel like a dark cloud of gloom is following me around every where ago. I feel like everything that can go wrong is going wrong. I feel like I took one step forward last week and this week I just took five steps back. So as I am sitting here tonight feeling sorry for myself my hope is if I can find some things to be thankful for, maybe I can take another step forward.

Day 6: I have been blessed with many amazing women in my life. I come from a large family and have many aunts who are all special in their own way. And while I am extremely thankful for all of my aunts and all the things they have done for me, this week I am extremely thankful for my Aunt Sherri Hopper. The love and support she has shown me these past few weeks has been amazing, and I can never thank her enough. Randy and I were so blessed to have an amazing support group to lean on after the loss of Baby Sellers. But as time goes on and we try to get back into a normal routine I feel like the support group we had at first has gotten smaller. I get this. Our house isn't a house of happiness, it's a house of loss and grieving  and that makes people uncomfortable. That is why I am so thankful for my Aunt Sherri. She continues to check up on me weekly. Whether it's a text, phone call, or Facebook message. She let's me know she is thinking of me and is there for anything I need. And that is exactly what I need right now. I need to know that I have people who will let me grieve without judgement, who will just listen, who love me no matter what. So thank you so much Aunt Sherri, I love you.

Day 7: I am thankful for the greatest roommate and friend I could ever have, Kayla. Not everyone has a friend who will jump in their car after working all day and drive four hours just to surprise me with pickle wraps and a hug. And then take care of me when a horrible flu bug hits me and I can't stop throwing up. You are seriously the greatest person ever! Thank you so much for being my friend and for loving me even when I am a complete mess.

Day 8: I am thankful for my job, including my students, co-workers and boss. They have been so gracious the past few weeks. My students remind me it's okay to smile and laugh every now and then. When things get to hard and I need a minute to compose myself, my co-workers take over for me without asking a single question. When I need a day to lay on the couch, eat ice cream, and feel sorry for myself instead of coming into work, my boss says take all the time I need. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have a job like that, so I am very thankful to work for a wonderful school district.

Project Thankful-Day 5

Day 5~Today I am thankful for my amazing sister-in-law Ariane and her four beautiful children who I am so lucky to be Aunt Randa to. Ariane and I became close soon after Randy and I first started dating 6 years ago, and she has become one of my best and closest friends. I have always known I could count on her for anything, but in the weeks following the loss of Baby Sellers she has gone above and beyond the duties of a sister-in-law. She has cried with me. She has been with me when I'm scared to be alone (bringing Pumpkin Spice Lattes and donuts). She listens to me talk about Baby Sellers for hours on end and never once looks at me like I'm crazy. She calls and texts me just to ask how I'm doing and if I need anything. She has done all of this and a million other things all while taking care of her own family of six. I am amazed at her compassion and so very thankful I am able to call her my sister-in-law. I am also so thankful to be an Aunt to her four beautiful and amazing children. They always make me smile, even when all I want to do is cry. I know if some day down the road I do have children Allie, Jack, Charley, and William will be the best cousins my children could have. I love you all so so much.

Ariane and I

Project Thankful-Days 1-4

Day 1: I am thankful for the four months I got to experience Baby Sellers growing inside of me. Although four months will never be enough time, I am grateful for the time I had. So thank you Baby Sellers, thank you for picking me to be your mama. I love you so much, I will never stop loving you.

Day 2: I am thankful for my amazing husband. I love this man more than words can say. God knows I am not the easiest person to love, but he does it every single day. And when life gets too rough for me to take he is my strength, my lifesaver. I love him more every single day I spend with him, and knowing that I get to spend the rest of my life with him gives me comfort that no matter what, every little thing is going to be alright.

Day 3: I am thankful for my dad. I am amazed by the strength and compassion he has. No one would have blamed him for giving up after my mom died, but he didn't. As much as he was hurting he kept it together for my brother, sister, and I. He loved us enough to put our happiness and our well being before his own. I would not be the person I am today if it wasn't for him. He is my hero.

Day 4: I am thankful for my brother and my sister. Most people don't learn to appreciate their siblings until later in life, but from a young age I knew these two were the best friends I could ever have. We laugh, we cry, we fight, but most importantly we love each other. I know if I ever need anything all I have to do is call these two and no matter where they are, no matter what they are doing, they will drop everything to be there for  me. And I am so thankful for that.

...the saddest ending.

I recently began reading a book that began with the sentence "This is the happiest story with the saddest ending." I feel like this quote perfectly sums up the last four months of my life. They were the happiest four months of my life, but they have the saddest ending. And while each day gets a little easier, I am still haunted every second of every day by the fact that my baby is no longer with me. Losing Baby Sellers is the hardest and saddest thing I have ever been through, but I cannot regret anything, I cannot wish to take any of it back because then I wouldn't have the four happiest months of my life either. All my life I have wanted to be a mom, and while this wasn't what I pictured motherhood to be like, I am now a mother to a beautiful angel in Heaven. I have experienced the unconditional love a mother has for it's child. I have experienced what it is to love someone with every cell of my being, without ever laying eyes on them. I have experienced the anxiety of wanting to protect my child from all the horribleness in the world, but having to accept somethings are just out of my control. Maybe someday I will have children here on this Earth and maybe I won't, but no matter what my future holds I have had the opportunity to experience one of the greatest things a woman can experience, I am a mother.

A few days ago I met with my grief counselor and she kept referring to me as being a resilient person. I was confused about what she meant by this and she explained that a resilient person is someone who faces adversity and/or tragedy and is not only able to adapt and bounce back to some sort of normalcy, but grows and becomes even better and stronger then they were before. While I don't feel like I've bounced back yet, I know I am getting there. It is never going to get better, there is nothing that can make losing my baby better, but it is starting to get a little easier every day. It is still a roller coaster ride. One day I feel like I'm finally going to be okay, then the next day I feel like I am back to square one again, but I am slowly getting there. At times I am completely consumed by my grief, but I have hope that one day I will be okay again. Even more then that, I will be better. While there is nothing good or okay about losing a child, there is nothing that can justify losing my baby, I do know if I am blessed enough to go on to have children I will be an even better mom. I won't mind being up all night with a crying baby because I know what it's like to have it taken away. Even when my children are driving me crazy, I will be thankful that I have children to drive me crazy. I know I won't ever be a perfect mom, but I know if I am able to have children in the future I will never take them for granted because I know how easily they can be taken away.

Many of my friends and family have been doing Project Thankful on Facebook or on their blogs, and at first I didn't want to do it. I didn't feel thankful for anything this year, but I now know how untrue this is. Even though my world feels dark, I know that I have many things to be thankful for. So while I am a little late I will participate in Project Thankful....stay tuned.

3 weeks...

It is crazy how one single moment, one second, can change a person's life. The impact of that one moment can completely change a person, for better or for worse. 3 weeks ago I was a blissfully happy pregnant girl. My belly was growing and I was busy planning for my family of two to become a family of three. Little did I know that my world was going to change, I was going to change for the worse.

I thought I would be happy for a  new month to begin. While the beginning of October was happy and uneventful, the end of October was hell. But with November finally here, all I can seem to think about is the things I would be doing if I still had my baby. I SHOULD be 20 weeks pregnant this week, half-way through my pregnancy. I SHOULD be excited about revealing the gender of our baby to our families at Thanksgiving. I SHOULD be excited about Thanksgiving and using the "I'm eating for two" excuse to get thirds on mashed potatoes. Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday. I loved the food, time with family, and all the traditions that went along with it. This year however, I'm dreading the upcoming holidays. I don't feel very thankful or cheerful this year. And while this used to be my favorite time of the year, this year the holidays will be tainted with the fact that my baby is gone. I know this is selfish of me. I know I have many things to be thankful for this year. I know I have an amazing husband, a loving family, and wonderfully supportive friends who have all been there for me over the past 3 weeks, but some how it just doesn't feel like enough. That is what I miss most about the girl I was 3 weeks ago. She would have remained positive and optimistic. She would have been strong and focused on all the good things in her life rather then focusing on the bad things. But I'm not that girl anymore. I am an empty shell of the person I used to be trying to find my way through the chaos that is now my life, trying to find some sense of normalcy. Maybe one day I will be that girl again, but even if I get back to her I will always be missing a piece of my heart, the piece my baby took with him to Heaven.

“Dusk is just an illusion because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are there cannot be one without the other yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel I remember wondering to be always together yet forever apart?”~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

My baby will always be in my heart....yet we will always be forever apart...

Things you should know...

Dearest Baby Sellers,

Every night I lay down to sleep and a million thoughts run through my head. Did you know how much I loved you? Are you safe? Are you happy? So today I decided to tell you somethings that I think you should know.

First you should know that daddy and I loved you so so so much. We had wanted you for so long, and the minute we found you were growing inside of me we instantly fell in love. I can't remember for sure if I told you this. I know I thought it every minute of every day, but did I tell you? I thought we had all the time in the world, and I'm sorry for taking the time we had for granted. You should know you had your daddy's nose (at least that's what it looked like in the ultrasound) and you had long legs like him. You should know that you were a hard core Iowa Hawkeye's fan and daddy was already convinced you would play football for them someday (in his eyes you were a little boy). :-) You should know that as much as I love you, I would have had to be the "mean" parent. You would have your daddy so wrapped around your tiny finger he couldn't be mad at you if he wanted. I would tell you that you already had the best dog, friend, and protector in the world. From the minute you started growing in my tummy Hank could sense the change in me, and every single night he would curl up right beside my tummy to sleep. He already loved you, too.
You should know that the four months you were growing inside me you made your Papa Steve the happiest I had seen him in a long time. He was so excited for his first grandbaby and would tease me that if you were anything like me, I would get my payback for all the gray hairs I gave him. He would have been the best Papa ever. You should know your Aunt Tay-Tay was planning for you the minute I told her you were coming. She was already shopping, planning baby showers, and talking about all the spoiling she was going to do. You should know that you made me happier in the 4 months that you were growing inside of me than I have ever been.

Most importantly little nugget you should know how sorry I am. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep you safe. That was my one job as a mother, to keep you safe and happy, and I failed. I'm sorry I didn't know that something was going terribly wrong inside of me. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you, I didn't know. And I would walk through fire, I would move mountains if it would bring you back to me. I know some day we will meet again, and I will know immediately who you are. Until that day comes I will think of you every minute of every day. I love you my little nugget, to the moon and back.

Love,
Your Mommy

God Laughs

When I was a little girl I used to tell my wonderful Grandma Bauer the plans I had for my life. I wanted to find my handsome prince, get married, have lots of babies, and live happily ever after. That was what I wanted, and I wasn't going to give up until I got what I wanted. My Grandma would always reply with "Miranda Lynn, if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." As a little girl this always puzzled me, I mean it was my life, why wouldn't my carefully thought out plans become a reality?

My life has had more than it's share of struggles. At age 10 my mom died and I was forced to grow up way sooner then I should have. Three years later my Grandma Bauer, who was my rock and helped take care of my brother, sister and I after my mom died, also passed away. Ever since then it seems like year after year someone I love has been taken away. Uncles, aunts, close friends, its been never ending. And the result of all these losses is a faith that unfortunately is wavering. The idea that there is a greater power, someone else in control is comforting. But it is also unnerving. I have this plan of what my life is supposed to be, and it's not happening. And accepting that my plan and God's plan just aren't the same is very difficult for me to accept. I can't see the bigger picture, I can't see how all of this is going to make sense down the road.

I don't want to believe, I can't believe, God is a spiteful God, but after all the bad things that have happened isn't it time for my life to have some goodness in it? Some happiness in it? This baby was my happiness, I loved this baby so so so much. So why couldn't I keep it? Why couldn't part of my plan finally happen? I've gone through two of the hardest losses a person can endure. I loss my mom and I loss my child. I don't understand God's plan, and hopefully someday I will be able to look back and say "that part of my life really did suck, but look where I am now", but for now I will continue to struggle to make it through each day, and I will try my hardest to put my life in God's hands and let his will be done. And if I can do this maybe one sweet day I will see my mom again, hold my sweet baby in my arms, and maybe even laugh along with God about the plans I had for my life.

Strong

Strong (adjective)

1.      Physically powerful

a.       Having the physical strength needed to exert considerable force, e.g. in lifting, pulling, or pushing something

2.      Using force

a.       Using great physical force

3.      Robust and sturdy

a.       Sturdy, well made, and not easily damaged or broken

4.      Emotionally resilient

a.       Having the necessary emotional qualities to deal with stress, grief, loss, risk, and other difficulties

5.      Healthy and well

a.       Being in good health especially after an illness

                                                              i.      Feeling stronger every day

6.      Thriving

a.       Thriving, developing well, and likely to continue so

                                                              i.      A strong economy

7.      Likely to succeed

a.       Very likely to succeed, win, or come to be something

                                                              i.      A strong candidate for the job

   So many people have told me in the last couple of weeks “how strong I am”. It’s ironic because I feel a lot of things right now, but strong is not one of them. In my mind a “strong” person is someone who gets back up every time life knocks them down, dusts themselves off, and keeps on trucking. I am not that person. Life has knocked me down, but I have not gotten back up. I am still lying flat on my back with my head spinning, trying to figure out what in the world just happened to my life and my dreams. I am not strong, I am the opposite. I am weak and defeated. I don’t want to get out of bed in the morning, I don’t want to shower, I don’t want to do my make-up or my hair, I don’t want to drive to work, I don’t want to GO to work, the only thing I WANT is my baby back. I don’t WANT to do all of these things; I do them because I HAVE to. I am not strong; I am just trying to survive.

                                

My whole world came crashing down

I am the face of a loss. I am the one in four women who will suffer from a miscarriage, infant loss, or still birth. This is my story of a horrific loss, and this is my journey to find some sort of healing.

As far back as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. I love children. I love their innocence, their curiosity, their ability to speak exactly what's on their mind, and the way they seem to make the world a better place. And while I have been blessed with many children in my life, cousins, nieces, nephews, and students, I have always yearned for the day when I would have a baby to call my own. In the fall of 2011 Randy and I decided we were ready (as ready as we would ever be) to take that next step and become parents. I was ecstatic. We tried and tried to no avail, and after 10 months we decided maybe it was time to seek out the help of a professional. I went to see my family doctor and after running some tests she decided it would be a good idea for us to see a fertility specialist. At this point I began to become discouraged. I mean wasn't getting pregnant supposed to be easy? Look how many unwanted pregnancies occur in our country year after year. Here Randy and I were wanting a baby so badly and yet it didn't seem to be in the cards for us. We met with the fertility specialist and she believed I had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which essentially means that my body was not ovulating. However, she needed to run some expensive tests to verify this diagnosis and our health insurance would not cover the cost of infertility tests or treatment. Randy and I decided instead of paying thousands of dollars out of pocket we would just keep trying, and if a few years down the road we still didn't have our baby we would explore fertility treatment.

A month after our appointment with the fertility specialist I realized my period was a couple of weeks late. Due to the PCOS this was common for me, so I didn't think too much of it, but decided to take a pregnancy test just to be sure. Imagine my shock when I realized it was positive. Randy was even more shocked than I was and made me take two more tests just to be sure. All the tests were positive so I set up an appointment with my doctor to confirm, and sure enough we were expecting our little miracle nugget. I was 6 weeks along and we couldn't have been happier. About a week after my pregnancy was confirmed I woke up in the middle of the night with really bad cramping. I was terrified that I was about to lose this little baby I had dreamed about my whole life. I called my OBGYN and they had me come in right away the next day. They did an ultrasound and discovered that I had actually been pregnant with TWINS, but for some unknown reason one of the babies had stopped developing. I was shocked and sad for the lost baby, but I was grateful I still had one healthy little peanut. Everything was fine at my 8 week ultrasound, and at my 12 week appointment our little nugget was moving all over the place. The ultrasound tech kept getting frustrated because every time she tried to get a heart rate our little nugget would start doing flips...I knew then and there our little nugget would be just like Randy, always making things more difficult then they have to be. At our 12 week appointment my doctor was a little concerned about a band that had developed in my amniotic sac. He said he wanted to keep a closer eye on me just to make sure the band didn't harm the baby, but so far everything was okay. I was a little scared but my nugget was so active I just KNEW he/she was going to be okay. The weeks seemed to drag on until my next appointment, but we tried to stay busy picking out nursery themes, making lists of baby names, and taking pictures of my plump belly. October 12, 2012, the day of my 16 week appointment arrived and I was over the moon. I was finally going to get to see my little nugget again AND find out if we would be having a little boy or girl. Randy and I were full of hope and happiness on that car ride to the doctors office, little did we know our whole world was about to be turned upside down.

I knew as soon as the ultrasound tech started waving the wand over my stomach that something wasn't right. I had been able to see my little nugget right away during all my previous ultrasounds, but I couldn't see my baby on the screen, everything just looked distorted. After a couple of minutes she said six words that completely shattered my happiness "I can't find a heart beat." She left to get the doctor and I lost it. Randy tried to stay optimistic saying "Maybe the nugget is just hiding", but I knew...I knew there wasn't a little nugget anymore. The doctor finally came in after what seemed like forever and confirmed there was no heart beat...our little nugget, our little love, our baby was gone. I completely shut down, the doctor started talking about our options but I didn't hear a word he was saying. How could this have happened? How could this little baby, a testament of mine and Randy's love, the baby I had longed for my whole life just be gone? I wanted this baby, I needed this baby, it couldn't be gone. After talking with the doctor we decided a D&C was the best option. I didn't want to deliver the baby, I couldn't, knowing that after all the pain I wasn't going to be bringing the baby home with me. The doctor scheduled the D&C for two days later.

Now here it is, 11 days later and I still feel empty. I feel numb. I feel completely loss. I still don't understand why this happened, and I'm sure I never will. All I know is our little baby made me more happy in the 4 months that I carried him/her than I have been in my entire life. I love you so much Baby Sellers and I cannot wait until the day I finally get to hold you in my arms.