You Made Me A Mom

Dear Baby Sellers,

I miss you so much baby. Being pregnant again has made me realize just how much I miss you.Your due date is only 3 days a way. It doesn't seem possible that this week is already here. The 16 weeks that I carried you inside of me seemed to drag on, but ever since you've gone to Heaven it seems like time is just speeding on without you. I find myself wondering if things had played out differently would be here already? Would you have came early? Or would you have been stubborn and stayed inside of me for a few extra days? Would you have my eyes? Your Daddy's nose? I have all of these questions and no answers. I'll have to wait till my time on this Earth is done to finally hold you in my arms.

 I want you to know baby that even though I am pregnant with your little brother or sister, you made me a mom first. My first experience of being pregnant was with you. My first time experiencing that all consuming love a mother feels for her baby before even laying eyes on them was with you. You will always be my first baby. I've had a couple of people ask me if this is my first pregnancy. For most people this is such an easy question to answer, but for Baby Loss Mothers, this question creates so much anxiety. I could just say yes, but that would be a lie and it's not fair to you. You are my baby, my first baby and I won't deny that. But if I say no the follow up question will be how old are your other child(ren)? Then I have to explain that my baby is in Heaven, which results in the awkward silence and the sad puppy dog look. It's not fair that the loss of a baby/child is such a taboo topic in society, considering it happens to so many women and families.

Next week I will be 16 weeks pregnant with your little brother or sister and this TERRIFIES me. Sixteen weeks is when I learned I lost you. I am so scared that history will repeat itself. Being pregnant again after a loss is absolutely the most terrifying thing I have ever done in my life. No matter how optimistic my doctor is, no matter how good I feel, there is no guarantee I will bring this baby home with me. Even if I make it past 16 weeks without any problems, I am now so much  more aware of all the things that can go wrong at any point during pregnancy or even after the baby is born. Now that I belong to the Baby Loss Mother world I know women who lost their babies at 20 weeks, at 30 weeks, at 41 weeks. I know women who took their babies home with them and a few days later lost their sweet angels to SIDS. There's no safe zone when you've lost a baby. I would give anything to have a crystal ball so I could see if 5 months from now I have a healthy baby in my arms and this baby stays healthy and happy for the next 80 years. But I don't. So I'm waiting, hoping, and praying. Look over your little brother or sister and me, baby. We need our guardian angel to make sure nothing bad happens to us. We love you. I miss you.

Love,
Your Momma

Our Rainbow

Dear Baby Sellers,

I'm sure you already know, and have known for some time, but you are going to be a big brother! I thank God and you every single day for this little miracle growing inside of me. And I ask that you both continue to look over me and baby over the next 6 months. I feel beyond blessed to be pregnant again, but I am also terrified. I try my best to stay optimistic, but some days it's really really hard. I know this will remain true, especially over the next few weeks as I past the 16 week point of this pregnancy. Every day I find myself more and more anxious. I have no reason to believe anything will go wrong this time around, everything has gone surprisingly perfect since daddy and I first found out your little brother or sister was growing inside of me (knock on wood!!), but I am scared. At my 12 week appointment with you I saw a heartbeat, I saw you wiggling all over inside of me, and then at my 16 week appointment you were just gone. My doctor has been absolutely amazing when it comes to comforting me, and I try to remain optimistic, but what if history repeats itself? I don't know how I would survive that...

But I know you are watching over me every day. As much as I miss you more and more every day, especially with your due date approaching, I have come to a point in my grief where I've accepted that for whatever reason you were not meant to be on this Earth with daddy and I. You were meant to be our little angel baby. And your little brother or sister (I'm calling sister!) will be so lucky to have the best guardian angel ever.

Next week it will be 5 months since I had you here with me. 5 months ago I never would of imagined I'd be where I am today. 5 months ago it felt like my life was over, like I'd never be happy again. Life isn't the same as it used to be, things are different now, but I'm beginning to understand that different doesn't always mean bad, it just means different. I survived the end of my world as I knew it. And I'm still standing, I'm still moving forward. Thanks to you little baby, I learned how strong I really am. Thanks to you I know daddy and I can survive anything. Having this baby will never justify losing you, but I know I am better person because of you. I know I will be a better mom because of you. Losing you isn't right, but I finally understand it's the way it had to be. I would give anything to have you back, but I can't. Giving you a little brother or sister is what I can do. And when they are old enough I will tell them they story of my little angel baby. I love you and miss you.

Love,
Your Momma

Here's your little brother or sister, waving hello :)