Our Rainbow

Dear Baby Sellers,

I'm sure you already know, and have known for some time, but you are going to be a big brother! I thank God and you every single day for this little miracle growing inside of me. And I ask that you both continue to look over me and baby over the next 6 months. I feel beyond blessed to be pregnant again, but I am also terrified. I try my best to stay optimistic, but some days it's really really hard. I know this will remain true, especially over the next few weeks as I past the 16 week point of this pregnancy. Every day I find myself more and more anxious. I have no reason to believe anything will go wrong this time around, everything has gone surprisingly perfect since daddy and I first found out your little brother or sister was growing inside of me (knock on wood!!), but I am scared. At my 12 week appointment with you I saw a heartbeat, I saw you wiggling all over inside of me, and then at my 16 week appointment you were just gone. My doctor has been absolutely amazing when it comes to comforting me, and I try to remain optimistic, but what if history repeats itself? I don't know how I would survive that...

But I know you are watching over me every day. As much as I miss you more and more every day, especially with your due date approaching, I have come to a point in my grief where I've accepted that for whatever reason you were not meant to be on this Earth with daddy and I. You were meant to be our little angel baby. And your little brother or sister (I'm calling sister!) will be so lucky to have the best guardian angel ever.

Next week it will be 5 months since I had you here with me. 5 months ago I never would of imagined I'd be where I am today. 5 months ago it felt like my life was over, like I'd never be happy again. Life isn't the same as it used to be, things are different now, but I'm beginning to understand that different doesn't always mean bad, it just means different. I survived the end of my world as I knew it. And I'm still standing, I'm still moving forward. Thanks to you little baby, I learned how strong I really am. Thanks to you I know daddy and I can survive anything. Having this baby will never justify losing you, but I know I am better person because of you. I know I will be a better mom because of you. Losing you isn't right, but I finally understand it's the way it had to be. I would give anything to have you back, but I can't. Giving you a little brother or sister is what I can do. And when they are old enough I will tell them they story of my little angel baby. I love you and miss you.

Love,
Your Momma

Here's your little brother or sister, waving hello :)