Time

Dear Baby Sellers,

Time is such a scary, scary thing. Before you came into my  life my biggest fear used to be losing the people I love.  After you left I learned that it isn't losing people that is the scary thing, it's time. Time keeps moving on, even when all you want to do is pause it in the moment and not take a single step forward. But time forces you forward, no matter how much you wish it wouldn't. Time scares me. The more time that goes by means the longer it's been since I had you here with me, since I was genuinely happy. Today marks 4 months since my world came crashing down. That is absolutely crazy. Why is it that when you don't want time to go by, it goes so fast, but when you are looking forward to something it just drags on??

My heart still hurts, a lot. I have changed so much in the past 4 months. I am no longer the carefree, optimistic, happy-go-lucky girl I once was. I don't think I'll ever be that girl again, no matter how much time goes by. That's the funny thing about tragedy. Once it has touched your life, you are never the same. Your life is forever tainted by the tragedy. I'm not sad all the time, I do have good moments, happy moments, but it's not the same as before. Whenever I feel happy I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, because surely my happiness won't last long. As your due date quickly approaches I find myself having more and more sad moments. I've accepted that for whatever reason you were not meant to be on this Earth with daddy and I, but that doesn't make the hurt go away. If you were still here I would be 34 weeks pregnant. I would be feeling you move all over the place. Daddy and I would be putting the finishing touches on the nursery. We would have our hospital bag packed in case you decided to make an early debut. We would be narrowing down baby names and taking birthing classes. I wish that was my life, I wish I was mere weeks from meeting you. We never found out if you were a boy or girl, daddy just wasn't ready, and honestly it didn't really matter to me because in my heart you are a beautiful baby boy. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I thought you were a boy. And I am sure you are the most beautiful baby boy. I wish I would have gotten to hold you. I miss you so much baby. Continue to look over daddy and I. You will always be our angel. We love you.

Love,
Your Momma