Bittersweet Life

Dearest Baby Sellers,

This weekend Daddy and I went to grandpa and grandma's for a little weekend get-a-way. After the past five weeks and all the hell we've been through, I was more then ready for this. I am very thankful that daddy's parents let us come up and stay with them for the weekend. It makes me sad to think that you'll never get to go stay at grandma and grandpa's for a week during the summer and be spoiled rotten. Getting away was nice and I even had fun for the first time in weeks, but it wasn't the same. Every thing I did, every time I laughed, every time I had fun it was haunted by the fact that you aren't with me anymore. I feel like that is how my life will be from now on. Every good moment, every happy moment, won't be as good or as happy because your not here to experience it with me.

Daddy agreed to go to the Mall of America, he's trying so hard to make me happy again, so we met up with our good friends Matt and Heather and prepared to do some serious shopping. I had fun shopping, but I wasn't prepared for the number of pregnant women and babies I encountered while shopping. I know this is silly, I mean what did I expect at a giant shopping mall? They were every where, and every time I saw one of those blissfully happy pregnant girls I felt like I was being punched in the heart. I am very thankful that my good friend Heather was with me and reminded me to breathe every time we walked pass one of these girls, because it hurt, a lot. I don't feel bitterness towards these girls. I don't want them to lose their babies, I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I am just sad for me, for you, because that should be us. I should have been walking around the mall with my big pregnant belly. I should have felt you kicking after eating spicy wings for lunch. I should have been buying maternity clothes. I should have been shopping at all the baby stores for you and spending way too much money. But I wasn't because that isn't my life anymore. I'm trying to accept this "new" life I have, but it's hard. It isn't fair, our time together wasn't enough. I miss you so much baby. Sending lots of hugs and kisses your way, I hope they find you.

Love,
Your Momma