...the saddest ending.

I recently began reading a book that began with the sentence "This is the happiest story with the saddest ending." I feel like this quote perfectly sums up the last four months of my life. They were the happiest four months of my life, but they have the saddest ending. And while each day gets a little easier, I am still haunted every second of every day by the fact that my baby is no longer with me. Losing Baby Sellers is the hardest and saddest thing I have ever been through, but I cannot regret anything, I cannot wish to take any of it back because then I wouldn't have the four happiest months of my life either. All my life I have wanted to be a mom, and while this wasn't what I pictured motherhood to be like, I am now a mother to a beautiful angel in Heaven. I have experienced the unconditional love a mother has for it's child. I have experienced what it is to love someone with every cell of my being, without ever laying eyes on them. I have experienced the anxiety of wanting to protect my child from all the horribleness in the world, but having to accept somethings are just out of my control. Maybe someday I will have children here on this Earth and maybe I won't, but no matter what my future holds I have had the opportunity to experience one of the greatest things a woman can experience, I am a mother.

A few days ago I met with my grief counselor and she kept referring to me as being a resilient person. I was confused about what she meant by this and she explained that a resilient person is someone who faces adversity and/or tragedy and is not only able to adapt and bounce back to some sort of normalcy, but grows and becomes even better and stronger then they were before. While I don't feel like I've bounced back yet, I know I am getting there. It is never going to get better, there is nothing that can make losing my baby better, but it is starting to get a little easier every day. It is still a roller coaster ride. One day I feel like I'm finally going to be okay, then the next day I feel like I am back to square one again, but I am slowly getting there. At times I am completely consumed by my grief, but I have hope that one day I will be okay again. Even more then that, I will be better. While there is nothing good or okay about losing a child, there is nothing that can justify losing my baby, I do know if I am blessed enough to go on to have children I will be an even better mom. I won't mind being up all night with a crying baby because I know what it's like to have it taken away. Even when my children are driving me crazy, I will be thankful that I have children to drive me crazy. I know I won't ever be a perfect mom, but I know if I am able to have children in the future I will never take them for granted because I know how easily they can be taken away.

Many of my friends and family have been doing Project Thankful on Facebook or on their blogs, and at first I didn't want to do it. I didn't feel thankful for anything this year, but I now know how untrue this is. Even though my world feels dark, I know that I have many things to be thankful for. So while I am a little late I will participate in Project Thankful....stay tuned.