Questions

Dearest Baby Sellers,

I cannot believe it has been 47 days since all my hopes and dreams for you were shattered. How in the world has that much time gone by? How has life continued on when I feel so empty? When I was pregnant with you it felt like time was dragging on, like it was going to be forever before I got to hold you in my arms. Silly me, 9 months was nothing compared to the eternity I face now without you. I have replayed that day in my mind over and over and over again. Wishing things would have played out differently. Wishing the doctor would have said "Just kidding, the baby was hiding here's the heartbeat." But I know that's impossible. Your gone and no amount of prayers or wishful thinking will bring you back.

Your death brings so many unanswered questions with it. Questions that no matter what I do, I will probably never get an answer to. And that terrifies me. Why did I have to lose you? Why did God let me get pregnant if he was just going to take you away? Will I ever get pregnant again? Will I ever be able to have a "normal" full term pregnancy? Or will I be faced with the struggle of infertility? What if this happens again, what if I lose more babies? Will I survive?

As daddy and I start down the path of trying to conceive again these questions run through my mind every minute of every day. I don't want you to think that we are trying to replace you, because we never could. You came to us at a time when we thought we would never get pregnant. You brought us so much happiness. We loved you so much. Your life and your death has made daddy and I appreciate each other more now then ever, you made daddy and I a stronger couple. You will always be our first baby, our little nugget. But daddy and I so badly want a baby here on Earth. So I pray that you and God look over daddy and I as we continue on without you. And I pray that you will sprinkle your baby dust on daddy and I so someday soon we can give you a little brother or sister here on Earth. I know you will be the best guardian angel. I love you and miss you more with every breath I take. Xoxo

Love,
Your Momma