Things you should know...

Dearest Baby Sellers,

Every night I lay down to sleep and a million thoughts run through my head. Did you know how much I loved you? Are you safe? Are you happy? So today I decided to tell you somethings that I think you should know.

First you should know that daddy and I loved you so so so much. We had wanted you for so long, and the minute we found you were growing inside of me we instantly fell in love. I can't remember for sure if I told you this. I know I thought it every minute of every day, but did I tell you? I thought we had all the time in the world, and I'm sorry for taking the time we had for granted. You should know you had your daddy's nose (at least that's what it looked like in the ultrasound) and you had long legs like him. You should know that you were a hard core Iowa Hawkeye's fan and daddy was already convinced you would play football for them someday (in his eyes you were a little boy). :-) You should know that as much as I love you, I would have had to be the "mean" parent. You would have your daddy so wrapped around your tiny finger he couldn't be mad at you if he wanted. I would tell you that you already had the best dog, friend, and protector in the world. From the minute you started growing in my tummy Hank could sense the change in me, and every single night he would curl up right beside my tummy to sleep. He already loved you, too.
You should know that the four months you were growing inside me you made your Papa Steve the happiest I had seen him in a long time. He was so excited for his first grandbaby and would tease me that if you were anything like me, I would get my payback for all the gray hairs I gave him. He would have been the best Papa ever. You should know your Aunt Tay-Tay was planning for you the minute I told her you were coming. She was already shopping, planning baby showers, and talking about all the spoiling she was going to do. You should know that you made me happier in the 4 months that you were growing inside of me than I have ever been.

Most importantly little nugget you should know how sorry I am. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep you safe. That was my one job as a mother, to keep you safe and happy, and I failed. I'm sorry I didn't know that something was going terribly wrong inside of me. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you, I didn't know. And I would walk through fire, I would move mountains if it would bring you back to me. I know some day we will meet again, and I will know immediately who you are. Until that day comes I will think of you every minute of every day. I love you my little nugget, to the moon and back.

Love,
Your Mommy