When One Door Closes...

Dear Baby Sellers,

One year ago today I got the positive pregnancy test that forever changed me and my life. I was not expecting that test to come back positive, but I was so happy when it did. One month earlier daddy and I had just met with a fertility specialist who told us our chances of conceiving without fertility treatment was slim. You gave me hope right from the very start, you showed up just in the nick of time. Looking back on that day, knowing how our story would end too soon, I would not change a single thing. I was so naively happy that day, and for many days to follow. After only knowing you were growing inside of me for a matter of minutes, I had a whole life time of hopes and dreams built up for you inside my head. I already loved you so much. And although our story that started out so happy and so hopeful ended in the saddest way possible, I wouldn't change a single second of it.

I've heard the quote many times that when God closes one door in our lives, he opens another. After this past year and everything daddy and I have endured, I believe this now more then ever. For reasons I may never understand the door that led me to a lifetime with you was closed much sooner then I ever expected. And once that door closed I was so sad, I was angry, and I was determined to figure out why. I thought if I had some kind of reasoning for why I lost you the pain wouldn't hurt so bad. I obsessed over medical tests and spent hours doing research and talking to other women who had lost their babies. There had to be a reason why I lost you, I needed there to be a reason. It has been a long road and it has taken me some time, but I finally realized that I may never get the answers to all my questions, and even if I do it wouldn't change anything, it wouldn't heal the hole in my heart.

In January, 3 short months after you became an angel, I got another positive pregnancy test. This time instead of being filled with happiness and joy, I was overcome with dread. Looking back now I feel guilty about that, but I was still going through hell and wasn't sure if I could handle losing another baby. I also missed you so, so much and I didn't want this new baby to overshadow the little time I had with you. It hasn't been easy, in fact being pregnant again after a loss is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done, but your little sister is so strong and such a fighter (she gets that from you). Every doubt I have had, she's proven me wrong and now here I am 32 weeks pregnant and only weeks a way from meeting her. I love you so much baby and I love her so much, which is a hard thing to wrap my head around. If I still had you, I wouldn't have her. Having her does not in any way justify losing you, but it does help me begin to make sense of why God closed the door on our story. I'm not saying it is right or okay, but it's just the way it had to be.

God gave me you to give me hope. I was terrified that my dream of being a mom wouldn't happen, you changed that. God gave me you to show me how strong I can be. Even though it is a trait I don't always like about myself, I know I am strong and I know I can overcome even the worst tragedies. I am strong enough to be a mommy to a beautiful angel. God gave me you to strengthen mine and daddy's marriage. Marriage is hard and there are many things that either make or break a relationship. I'm not saying its been easy, daddy and I have had some really dark days, but we made it through together. Because of you the love daddy and I share is unbreakable. God gave me you to teach me how to appreciate the wonderful people I have in my life. I would never have made it through losing you if it weren't for the amazing support group of family and friends daddy and I have. I've learned to appreciate the people who are there through thick and thin, and to not worry so much about the ones who aren't. God gave me you to show me that even in darkest of times there is always hope, there is always another open door. Life doesn't always turn out the way we expect, but somehow we end up exactly where we are supposed to.

I love you baby and miss you every single day. Please continue to look over your little sister, you already are the best guardian angel to her.

Love,
Your Momma