One year since my whole world came crashing down...

Dear Baby Sellers,

I remember every single thing about October 12, 2012. I remember exactly what I was wearing. I remember the weather was warm and sunny. I remember what songs were playing on the radio on the way to what was supposed to be the doctor's appointment where we found out the gender of our baby. I remember daddy was driving a little fast because he was so excited. I remember how anxious I was as I waited for the ultrasound tech to pull you up on the screen. And I remember how my heart sank and my whole world came tumbling down when I heard the words "I'm so sorry, I can't find a heartbeat."

October 12, 2012 was the day I learned my sweet baby, who I had hoped and prayed for for so long, became an angel. October 12, 2012 was the day I learned how much you can miss someone you never even met. October 12, 2012 was the day I learned that you can become a mom without having any children here on Earth. October 12, 2012 was the day I learned that one in four women suffer from a miscarriage, infant loss, or still birth. October 12, 2012 was the day I became one of those women.

It is crazy that in one year I experienced the worst day of my life and also the best day of my life. Losing you, Baby Sellers, was the hardest thing I've ever been through. I will carry that grief with me the rest of my life. But through losing you I learned that even in the darkest of times there is always hope, there is always light. Even though I never got to hold you, I never got to do all of the things we were supposed to do together; I know you are always with me. Mine and daddy's own personal guardian angel. You are always with us, I can feel it. You're the rainbow after a storm. You're the beautiful sunrise and the breathtaking sunset. You're the perfect song on the radio. And I know that you sent us your beautiful baby sister. She is the one thing that has brought pure joy into my life again, and I have you to thank for that, baby. My pregnancy with her was not easy, but you watched over us and kept her safe. And every time I hold her in my arms I find myself thinking of you.

I may never get to hold you in my arms, I may never get to snuggle you and smother you with kisses, I may never get to rock you to sleep, but you are still my baby and I love you so very much. When Harper grows up I will tell her all about the angel who sent her to daddy and me. The angel who watches over us and keeps us safe, always. I will tell her all about her big brother who lives in Heaven. Even though you may not be here with us, you will always be a part of our family. I love you to the moon and back baby, forever and ever.

Love,
Your Momma