God Laughs

When I was a little girl I used to tell my wonderful Grandma Bauer the plans I had for my life. I wanted to find my handsome prince, get married, have lots of babies, and live happily ever after. That was what I wanted, and I wasn't going to give up until I got what I wanted. My Grandma would always reply with "Miranda Lynn, if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans." As a little girl this always puzzled me, I mean it was my life, why wouldn't my carefully thought out plans become a reality?

My life has had more than it's share of struggles. At age 10 my mom died and I was forced to grow up way sooner then I should have. Three years later my Grandma Bauer, who was my rock and helped take care of my brother, sister and I after my mom died, also passed away. Ever since then it seems like year after year someone I love has been taken away. Uncles, aunts, close friends, its been never ending. And the result of all these losses is a faith that unfortunately is wavering. The idea that there is a greater power, someone else in control is comforting. But it is also unnerving. I have this plan of what my life is supposed to be, and it's not happening. And accepting that my plan and God's plan just aren't the same is very difficult for me to accept. I can't see the bigger picture, I can't see how all of this is going to make sense down the road.

I don't want to believe, I can't believe, God is a spiteful God, but after all the bad things that have happened isn't it time for my life to have some goodness in it? Some happiness in it? This baby was my happiness, I loved this baby so so so much. So why couldn't I keep it? Why couldn't part of my plan finally happen? I've gone through two of the hardest losses a person can endure. I loss my mom and I loss my child. I don't understand God's plan, and hopefully someday I will be able to look back and say "that part of my life really did suck, but look where I am now", but for now I will continue to struggle to make it through each day, and I will try my hardest to put my life in God's hands and let his will be done. And if I can do this maybe one sweet day I will see my mom again, hold my sweet baby in my arms, and maybe even laugh along with God about the plans I had for my life.