My whole world came crashing down

I am the face of a loss. I am the one in four women who will suffer from a miscarriage, infant loss, or still birth. This is my story of a horrific loss, and this is my journey to find some sort of healing.

As far back as I can remember I have always wanted to be a mother. I love children. I love their innocence, their curiosity, their ability to speak exactly what's on their mind, and the way they seem to make the world a better place. And while I have been blessed with many children in my life, cousins, nieces, nephews, and students, I have always yearned for the day when I would have a baby to call my own. In the fall of 2011 Randy and I decided we were ready (as ready as we would ever be) to take that next step and become parents. I was ecstatic. We tried and tried to no avail, and after 10 months we decided maybe it was time to seek out the help of a professional. I went to see my family doctor and after running some tests she decided it would be a good idea for us to see a fertility specialist. At this point I began to become discouraged. I mean wasn't getting pregnant supposed to be easy? Look how many unwanted pregnancies occur in our country year after year. Here Randy and I were wanting a baby so badly and yet it didn't seem to be in the cards for us. We met with the fertility specialist and she believed I had Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, which essentially means that my body was not ovulating. However, she needed to run some expensive tests to verify this diagnosis and our health insurance would not cover the cost of infertility tests or treatment. Randy and I decided instead of paying thousands of dollars out of pocket we would just keep trying, and if a few years down the road we still didn't have our baby we would explore fertility treatment.

A month after our appointment with the fertility specialist I realized my period was a couple of weeks late. Due to the PCOS this was common for me, so I didn't think too much of it, but decided to take a pregnancy test just to be sure. Imagine my shock when I realized it was positive. Randy was even more shocked than I was and made me take two more tests just to be sure. All the tests were positive so I set up an appointment with my doctor to confirm, and sure enough we were expecting our little miracle nugget. I was 6 weeks along and we couldn't have been happier. About a week after my pregnancy was confirmed I woke up in the middle of the night with really bad cramping. I was terrified that I was about to lose this little baby I had dreamed about my whole life. I called my OBGYN and they had me come in right away the next day. They did an ultrasound and discovered that I had actually been pregnant with TWINS, but for some unknown reason one of the babies had stopped developing. I was shocked and sad for the lost baby, but I was grateful I still had one healthy little peanut. Everything was fine at my 8 week ultrasound, and at my 12 week appointment our little nugget was moving all over the place. The ultrasound tech kept getting frustrated because every time she tried to get a heart rate our little nugget would start doing flips...I knew then and there our little nugget would be just like Randy, always making things more difficult then they have to be. At our 12 week appointment my doctor was a little concerned about a band that had developed in my amniotic sac. He said he wanted to keep a closer eye on me just to make sure the band didn't harm the baby, but so far everything was okay. I was a little scared but my nugget was so active I just KNEW he/she was going to be okay. The weeks seemed to drag on until my next appointment, but we tried to stay busy picking out nursery themes, making lists of baby names, and taking pictures of my plump belly. October 12, 2012, the day of my 16 week appointment arrived and I was over the moon. I was finally going to get to see my little nugget again AND find out if we would be having a little boy or girl. Randy and I were full of hope and happiness on that car ride to the doctors office, little did we know our whole world was about to be turned upside down.

I knew as soon as the ultrasound tech started waving the wand over my stomach that something wasn't right. I had been able to see my little nugget right away during all my previous ultrasounds, but I couldn't see my baby on the screen, everything just looked distorted. After a couple of minutes she said six words that completely shattered my happiness "I can't find a heart beat." She left to get the doctor and I lost it. Randy tried to stay optimistic saying "Maybe the nugget is just hiding", but I knew...I knew there wasn't a little nugget anymore. The doctor finally came in after what seemed like forever and confirmed there was no heart beat...our little nugget, our little love, our baby was gone. I completely shut down, the doctor started talking about our options but I didn't hear a word he was saying. How could this have happened? How could this little baby, a testament of mine and Randy's love, the baby I had longed for my whole life just be gone? I wanted this baby, I needed this baby, it couldn't be gone. After talking with the doctor we decided a D&C was the best option. I didn't want to deliver the baby, I couldn't, knowing that after all the pain I wasn't going to be bringing the baby home with me. The doctor scheduled the D&C for two days later.

Now here it is, 11 days later and I still feel empty. I feel numb. I feel completely loss. I still don't understand why this happened, and I'm sure I never will. All I know is our little baby made me more happy in the 4 months that I carried him/her than I have been in my entire life. I love you so much Baby Sellers and I cannot wait until the day I finally get to hold you in my arms.