Over the past few weeks I have been trying really really hard to be happy and optimistic, but lately I just don't seem to have any optimism left in me. I lay in bed every night and the question, why me, runs through my head over and over again. Why did this happen to me? Why is this my life now? Did I do something terrible in my life and this is my punishment? I know I'll never get an answer, and that is what kills me. If I knew why this had to happen, why my baby had to die, maybe I could find some closure, maybe I could find a way to move on. But right now I feel like I'm stuck in this hole of anger and sadness and no matter how much I try to put on a happy face and pretend I'm doing fine, at the end of the day I'm sad, I'm angry, and I miss my baby so much.
It doesn't help that every where I turn someone else is announcing they're expecting. Kim Kardashian, Jessica Simpson, Kate and William, people all over my Facebook newsfeed....pregnancy is every where lately! I swear everyone and their sister is pregnant...except for me. And every time I see one of those announcements it's like a knife straight to my heart, I honestly feel like I'm having a panic attack, which then makes me feel guilty. I don't want people to lose their babies, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. It's just that I want that so bad, I want a baby so bad, and it seems like everyone gets one except me. No matter how hard I try to make sense of losing my baby, or try to find the silver lining, it comes down the the fact that it's just not fair. I know I have a good life and I know I have many blessings, but I would give it all up in a heart beat to have my baby. I did everything the way I was supposed to. I went to college, I got married, we bought a house, I graduated from college, I got a job, and next was supposed to come a baby, that's what I wanted, what I was expecting. And now I'm faced with the harsh reality that that may not be my future...a baby may not be in my future. And I don't know how to accept that, I can't accept that. All I know is that reality really is a bitch.
Don't give up my dear. Losing a child is the worst thing a mommy could face in her lifetime. God just knew that there was a better plan for the little one and when the time is right you guys will have the biggest blessing of all and You will get to spoil your bundle of joy. Keep your chin up and good things come to those who wait. Stop trying and you'll be surprised at what happens. You are a beautiful person inside and out and god knows that, he won't let you down. Smile! You'll have your moment to shine!
ReplyDeleteDitto, girl.
ReplyDeleteReality IS a bitch for us right now. That's all there is to it. I think really, the only thing we can do is take this one day at a time. I know that's totally cliche, but today is our reality. Our past is in the past now...and we are only moving forward. With time, our reality WILL be better. I think that's something we just have to keep telling ourselves. It WILL. Because we've already been through the worst. ♥