When One Door Closes...

Dear Baby Sellers,

One year ago today I got the positive pregnancy test that forever changed me and my life. I was not expecting that test to come back positive, but I was so happy when it did. One month earlier daddy and I had just met with a fertility specialist who told us our chances of conceiving without fertility treatment was slim. You gave me hope right from the very start, you showed up just in the nick of time. Looking back on that day, knowing how our story would end too soon, I would not change a single thing. I was so naively happy that day, and for many days to follow. After only knowing you were growing inside of me for a matter of minutes, I had a whole life time of hopes and dreams built up for you inside my head. I already loved you so much. And although our story that started out so happy and so hopeful ended in the saddest way possible, I wouldn't change a single second of it.

I've heard the quote many times that when God closes one door in our lives, he opens another. After this past year and everything daddy and I have endured, I believe this now more then ever. For reasons I may never understand the door that led me to a lifetime with you was closed much sooner then I ever expected. And once that door closed I was so sad, I was angry, and I was determined to figure out why. I thought if I had some kind of reasoning for why I lost you the pain wouldn't hurt so bad. I obsessed over medical tests and spent hours doing research and talking to other women who had lost their babies. There had to be a reason why I lost you, I needed there to be a reason. It has been a long road and it has taken me some time, but I finally realized that I may never get the answers to all my questions, and even if I do it wouldn't change anything, it wouldn't heal the hole in my heart.

In January, 3 short months after you became an angel, I got another positive pregnancy test. This time instead of being filled with happiness and joy, I was overcome with dread. Looking back now I feel guilty about that, but I was still going through hell and wasn't sure if I could handle losing another baby. I also missed you so, so much and I didn't want this new baby to overshadow the little time I had with you. It hasn't been easy, in fact being pregnant again after a loss is the absolute hardest thing I have ever done, but your little sister is so strong and such a fighter (she gets that from you). Every doubt I have had, she's proven me wrong and now here I am 32 weeks pregnant and only weeks a way from meeting her. I love you so much baby and I love her so much, which is a hard thing to wrap my head around. If I still had you, I wouldn't have her. Having her does not in any way justify losing you, but it does help me begin to make sense of why God closed the door on our story. I'm not saying it is right or okay, but it's just the way it had to be.

God gave me you to give me hope. I was terrified that my dream of being a mom wouldn't happen, you changed that. God gave me you to show me how strong I can be. Even though it is a trait I don't always like about myself, I know I am strong and I know I can overcome even the worst tragedies. I am strong enough to be a mommy to a beautiful angel. God gave me you to strengthen mine and daddy's marriage. Marriage is hard and there are many things that either make or break a relationship. I'm not saying its been easy, daddy and I have had some really dark days, but we made it through together. Because of you the love daddy and I share is unbreakable. God gave me you to teach me how to appreciate the wonderful people I have in my life. I would never have made it through losing you if it weren't for the amazing support group of family and friends daddy and I have. I've learned to appreciate the people who are there through thick and thin, and to not worry so much about the ones who aren't. God gave me you to show me that even in darkest of times there is always hope, there is always another open door. Life doesn't always turn out the way we expect, but somehow we end up exactly where we are supposed to.

I love you baby and miss you every single day. Please continue to look over your little sister, you already are the best guardian angel to her.

Love,
Your Momma

No News is Good News

Hi All!

Today was a very uneventful, boring day. Which I can say we are very, very thankful for. Since I wasn't experiencing any more cramping they decided early this afternoon to take me off of the magnesium and see how my body, my cervix, responded. So far there has been no change, so hopefully that means my cervix is done being a brat right now. With that being said, we still have a long road a head of us. The doctors can't really give us a time line, because it all just depends on if my cervix stays stable and if baby girl stays where she is supposed to. As much as I want to go home, being here is the best place for me and baby girl right now. And the doctors don't want to send me home unless they are confident that my cervix will not dilate anymore. We need baby girl to stay in a little longer...ideally a couple of months longer. If/when I do get to go home it will be a lazy, bed rest type of summer until baby girl makes her appearance.

Hopefully the next few days to come are just as boring as today. The highlight of my day, besides getting my IV out, was Randy pushing me around the hospital in a wheel chair :) We both or so extremely grateful for the out pouring of love, prayers, and support we have received from our amazing friends and family, we truly are blessed. I really do believe in the power of prayer, so keep them coming and hopefully baby girl will stay right where she is. In the mean time we are extremely bored so feel free to stop by if your in the area and visit, text us, call us, or even send us some extra lives on Candy Crush Saga :)

We will continue to keep you updated!

<3 Miranda and Randy

Send Prayers

So I hate that I have to write this post, but with as supportive as everyone has been over the past 8 months I want to keep everyone updated, because we could sure use some support and prayers right now.

Yesterday I went to what was supposed to be a regular baby appointment. During my ultrasound they discovered my cervix was extremely shortened. At 23 weeks my cervix should be be 3-4 cm, and mine is only measuring 5 mm, so extremely short. Once they discovered this they sent me straight to the University of Iowa hospital to see a high risk doctor. After doing an exam the doctors were concerned about the length of my cervix, but it was still closed so that was a good sign. They gave me a shot of steroids to help baby girl's lungs develop in case she does make an early arrival, but we're hoping that doesn't happen.

At around 7 this morning I started feeling some cramping and after another exam they determined my cervix was now 1 centimeter dilated. They started me on magnesium to help baby's brain develop more and to try and stop my cervix from continuing to dilate.

Right now it's just a waiting game. Baby's heartbeat is still strong and she is still active which is good, but we need my cervix to not dilate anymore so she can stay in a little longer. Our first goal is 24 weeks, which is next week, where her survival rate will be 80%. If we can make it to that point great, if we can make it even further past that point, even better.

Right now we're just waiting....and that's scary, but we're trying to stay positive. Please pray for us and our little baby girl. We will keep you updated as we learn more....

Miranda & Randy

My First Mother's Day

Dear Baby Sellers,

A year ago if someone would have told me I would be a mom by the next Mother's day, I wouldn't have believed them. A year ago daddy and I were still struggling through our journey to conceive and it seemed like there was no end in sight. Eight months ago if someone would have told me I would be a mom by the next Mother's day, but I wouldn't be able to celebrate with my baby in my arms I wouldn't have believed them. Eight months ago I had just finished up my first trimester of my first pregnancy with you and I was so happy to finally be pregnant. Six months ago if someone would have told me I would be pregnant with my little rainbow baby by the next Mother's day I wouldn't have believed them. But here a sit, feeling my little rainbow kick and move around, and thinking about what a whirlwind this past year has been.

I wish you were here to celebrate my first Mother's day with me, after all you are the one who made me a mom. But I know you are looking over me and spending the day with your grandma Lori, your great grandma Lucille and Helen, and all of the other wonderful women who are spending this Mother's day up in Heaven.

Thank you for making me a mom, baby. Thank you for teaching me more about life and showing me more love in the short 16 weeks we had together then I've experienced in a life time. Thank you for teaching me that life isn't always fair, but it is beautiful, even through the storm. And thank you for continuing to look over me, your daddy, and your little SISTER! :) We love you and miss you so much!

Love,
Your Momma

6 months

Dear Baby Sellers,

Today marks 6 months since my whole world came crashing down. 6 whole months of trying to make it through this storm, 6 months of trying to survive, 6 months of sadness, anger, guilt, questioning, and a little acceptance. 6 months of trying to figure out what God's purpose of this test is and who I am now. I don't really think the storm of losing you is really over. I feel like it comes and goes. Some days I have really good days and I can't believe I survived, and other days I feel like the walls are crashing in around me and I'm back in the dark place again. Honestly, I don't know how I survived these past 6 months. You and God really must have been looking out for me. I think back to the weeks right after I lost you and the days are such a blur, I was living in a fog, going through all the motions with no thought or feelings. I was so, so sad.

Over time things have gotten easier, I have more good days now. I laugh, I look forward to things, I regained my motivation for life. But I still struggle with figuring out who I am. The person I was before I lost you seems like a stranger. And when I try to be like her again it just doesn't feel right. I'm not naive any more, I'm not carefree. Losing you has taught me that bad and scary things happen all the time. Losing you has taught me that some of the people you thought you could always count on let you down. Losing you taught me it's better to only have a couple of really great friends then a large group of just okay friends. Losing you taught me I couldn't survive without your daddy or my family. Losing you taught me that part of finding myself again is going to involve doing something big, something to help others who have lost their babies know they are not alone. My blog has slowly started this, so many women have reached out to me, but I want to do something bigger, I want to make a difference.

I am 17 and a half weeks pregnant with your little brother or sister. Getting past that 16 week mark was very scary, and I spent a lot of days very anxious and upset. But some how the little bean and I made it. The other night I felt what I believe were the first flutters of movement from baby. It made me happy to know baby is still doing well, but it also made me sad because I never got to experience that with you. There are so many things you and I never got to experience together. I'm always going to have that hole in my heart. All of the girls I know that were also pregnant the same time I was pregnant with you have now gone on to have their beautiful babies. I see their pictures of their perfect little newborns and it makes me miss you. It's crazy to think if our story had been different you would be here now. I would be a mom to a newborn baby instead of a mom to an angel. I just miss you baby. Plain and simple. I love you to the moon and back, forever and ever. 

Love,

Your Momma

You Made Me A Mom

Dear Baby Sellers,

I miss you so much baby. Being pregnant again has made me realize just how much I miss you.Your due date is only 3 days a way. It doesn't seem possible that this week is already here. The 16 weeks that I carried you inside of me seemed to drag on, but ever since you've gone to Heaven it seems like time is just speeding on without you. I find myself wondering if things had played out differently would be here already? Would you have came early? Or would you have been stubborn and stayed inside of me for a few extra days? Would you have my eyes? Your Daddy's nose? I have all of these questions and no answers. I'll have to wait till my time on this Earth is done to finally hold you in my arms.

 I want you to know baby that even though I am pregnant with your little brother or sister, you made me a mom first. My first experience of being pregnant was with you. My first time experiencing that all consuming love a mother feels for her baby before even laying eyes on them was with you. You will always be my first baby. I've had a couple of people ask me if this is my first pregnancy. For most people this is such an easy question to answer, but for Baby Loss Mothers, this question creates so much anxiety. I could just say yes, but that would be a lie and it's not fair to you. You are my baby, my first baby and I won't deny that. But if I say no the follow up question will be how old are your other child(ren)? Then I have to explain that my baby is in Heaven, which results in the awkward silence and the sad puppy dog look. It's not fair that the loss of a baby/child is such a taboo topic in society, considering it happens to so many women and families.

Next week I will be 16 weeks pregnant with your little brother or sister and this TERRIFIES me. Sixteen weeks is when I learned I lost you. I am so scared that history will repeat itself. Being pregnant again after a loss is absolutely the most terrifying thing I have ever done in my life. No matter how optimistic my doctor is, no matter how good I feel, there is no guarantee I will bring this baby home with me. Even if I make it past 16 weeks without any problems, I am now so much  more aware of all the things that can go wrong at any point during pregnancy or even after the baby is born. Now that I belong to the Baby Loss Mother world I know women who lost their babies at 20 weeks, at 30 weeks, at 41 weeks. I know women who took their babies home with them and a few days later lost their sweet angels to SIDS. There's no safe zone when you've lost a baby. I would give anything to have a crystal ball so I could see if 5 months from now I have a healthy baby in my arms and this baby stays healthy and happy for the next 80 years. But I don't. So I'm waiting, hoping, and praying. Look over your little brother or sister and me, baby. We need our guardian angel to make sure nothing bad happens to us. We love you. I miss you.

Love,
Your Momma

Our Rainbow

Dear Baby Sellers,

I'm sure you already know, and have known for some time, but you are going to be a big brother! I thank God and you every single day for this little miracle growing inside of me. And I ask that you both continue to look over me and baby over the next 6 months. I feel beyond blessed to be pregnant again, but I am also terrified. I try my best to stay optimistic, but some days it's really really hard. I know this will remain true, especially over the next few weeks as I past the 16 week point of this pregnancy. Every day I find myself more and more anxious. I have no reason to believe anything will go wrong this time around, everything has gone surprisingly perfect since daddy and I first found out your little brother or sister was growing inside of me (knock on wood!!), but I am scared. At my 12 week appointment with you I saw a heartbeat, I saw you wiggling all over inside of me, and then at my 16 week appointment you were just gone. My doctor has been absolutely amazing when it comes to comforting me, and I try to remain optimistic, but what if history repeats itself? I don't know how I would survive that...

But I know you are watching over me every day. As much as I miss you more and more every day, especially with your due date approaching, I have come to a point in my grief where I've accepted that for whatever reason you were not meant to be on this Earth with daddy and I. You were meant to be our little angel baby. And your little brother or sister (I'm calling sister!) will be so lucky to have the best guardian angel ever.

Next week it will be 5 months since I had you here with me. 5 months ago I never would of imagined I'd be where I am today. 5 months ago it felt like my life was over, like I'd never be happy again. Life isn't the same as it used to be, things are different now, but I'm beginning to understand that different doesn't always mean bad, it just means different. I survived the end of my world as I knew it. And I'm still standing, I'm still moving forward. Thanks to you little baby, I learned how strong I really am. Thanks to you I know daddy and I can survive anything. Having this baby will never justify losing you, but I know I am better person because of you. I know I will be a better mom because of you. Losing you isn't right, but I finally understand it's the way it had to be. I would give anything to have you back, but I can't. Giving you a little brother or sister is what I can do. And when they are old enough I will tell them they story of my little angel baby. I love you and miss you.

Love,
Your Momma

Here's your little brother or sister, waving hello :)