Project Thankful-Day 13

I know, I know I have skipped a few days throughout the 30 days of thankfulness. Last week was a really tough week for me between arguing non-stop with my medical insurance on the tests they will or will not cover, and hitting the one month mark of losing Baby Sellers, and missing my mom on her birthday, and on top of all of that it's getting cold and I really really really don't want it to get cold. I realize that is a whole lot of whining all wrapped up into one paragraph-but in the spirit of the holidays, you can cut me a break right!?!  Last week caught me off guard and by the time this morning rolled around I was just thankful I had made it through one of the hardest weeks since I loss my baby. So for last week I am thankful that I didn't give up and hide in my bed under the covers (because let's face it, that is EXACTLY what I wanted to do).

With the advice of my grief counselor, my mantra for the holidays is to take it one day at a time (because quite frankly idea of the holidays is terrifying me right now. Can I run away to a beach until February please?) and try to not look at the whole picture. I can't look at the bigger picture right now because I feel like my baby should belong in that bigger picture and it doesn't,(well it does, but not in the way I saw the big picture 3 months ago) and that just makes me sad. I don't know what the bigger picture is any more. And that is why I shouldn't be focusing on it right now. If I continue to focus on it I will become extremely anxious and obsessive about figuring out what's next and when will I have my baby or what if I don't have another baby or why did my baby have to die? And all of these questions will literally drive me crazy. I have to stop now or my husband and my father will have no choice but to rent me a room at the nut house. And I really don't want to spend the holidays there.

So I will try my hardest to take one day at a time, one moment at a time. I will try to let go and let life happen without trying to plan every second of it. And if it seems like I am NOT letting go and taking one day at a time, I am calling upon you, my friends, family, and followers, to make me let go. Despite what my little sister thinks about violent force being necessary, it really isn't. I just need reminded when I let me mind go to far and start playing the "what-if" game or the "blame" game that it is time to just let go. I can't control any of it, so I NEED TO LET IT GO. If it isn't obvious yet, this is going to be really hard for me. I hate not being in control, I need to know what is happening and why it is happening all the time, I may be what some people consider a control freak. So.....here I go.....one foot at a time.....one day at a time. Maybe I will find my happiness again outside of the bigger picture.

1 month

Dearest Baby Sellers,

One month ago today daddy and I got the worst news any parent could ever receive. You had grown wings and left this Earth behind. The pain I feel at times is all-consuming. There are moments when the pain becomes too much and I actually fall to my knees and sob. But there are also times when the pain isn't so hard to bare and I find myself smiling or laughing (usually at something silly your daddy says or does). Daddy and I miss you so so so much, but we are trying to be strong. We know you wouldn't have wanted us to be sad forever. A month ago I didn't think I would ever be where I am right now. I was so defeated, so broken. Honestly all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die so I could hold you. I still feel defeated and broken at times, every day brings something new in this roller coaster process called grief, but I also feel something I didn't feel a month ago, and that is hope. Hope that daddy and I are going to be okay. Hope that eventually I will have more good days then bad days. Hope that I will have more laughter and smiles then tears. Hope that someday I will be able to accept losing you. Hope that someday you will have a little brother or sister here on Earth and they will be so lucky to have the greatest guardian angel. Hope that one day when my time on Earth is done I will finally get to hold you in my arms. Hope that there is a greater purpose behind all of this, one that I don't understand yet, but with time I will.
While it will never be okay that I lost you, there have been things that have happened to me in the past month that I find myself wondering if it's you sending me a message from Heaven. If it's you saying "it's okay momma, smile, laugh, be happy. I'm safe and happy up here." Through my loss I started writing again, and through my writing I have had the opportunity to meet, talk with, and become friends with some amazing women who have also loss their babies. One of these amazing ladies, all the way from New York, has been so kind and supportive this past month. I like to think you and Baby Mammot played a role in us becoming friends. Thank you for that baby, I really needed a friend like her.
Don't get me wrong, none of this makes it okay that I lost you and I would give all of it up in a heartbeat if I could have you back, but I can't. So I share your story with others and I listen to the stories of others. We cry, we laugh, we vent, and we remember our babies. And I promise I will continue to do this. No matter what anyone else says or thinks I won't stop talking about you. I won't stop sharing your story. I won't stop missing you. And I will never, ever stop loving you. Missing and loving you more with every breath I take.

Love,
Your Momma

Project Thankful-Days 6-8

I know...I know I am behind on my days. Last week I felt okay for the first time in weeks. I felt like I was starting to move forward, like maybe things were going to be alright after all. And then this week happened and I feel like a dark cloud of gloom is following me around every where ago. I feel like everything that can go wrong is going wrong. I feel like I took one step forward last week and this week I just took five steps back. So as I am sitting here tonight feeling sorry for myself my hope is if I can find some things to be thankful for, maybe I can take another step forward.

Day 6: I have been blessed with many amazing women in my life. I come from a large family and have many aunts who are all special in their own way. And while I am extremely thankful for all of my aunts and all the things they have done for me, this week I am extremely thankful for my Aunt Sherri Hopper. The love and support she has shown me these past few weeks has been amazing, and I can never thank her enough. Randy and I were so blessed to have an amazing support group to lean on after the loss of Baby Sellers. But as time goes on and we try to get back into a normal routine I feel like the support group we had at first has gotten smaller. I get this. Our house isn't a house of happiness, it's a house of loss and grieving  and that makes people uncomfortable. That is why I am so thankful for my Aunt Sherri. She continues to check up on me weekly. Whether it's a text, phone call, or Facebook message. She let's me know she is thinking of me and is there for anything I need. And that is exactly what I need right now. I need to know that I have people who will let me grieve without judgement, who will just listen, who love me no matter what. So thank you so much Aunt Sherri, I love you.

Day 7: I am thankful for the greatest roommate and friend I could ever have, Kayla. Not everyone has a friend who will jump in their car after working all day and drive four hours just to surprise me with pickle wraps and a hug. And then take care of me when a horrible flu bug hits me and I can't stop throwing up. You are seriously the greatest person ever! Thank you so much for being my friend and for loving me even when I am a complete mess.

Day 8: I am thankful for my job, including my students, co-workers and boss. They have been so gracious the past few weeks. My students remind me it's okay to smile and laugh every now and then. When things get to hard and I need a minute to compose myself, my co-workers take over for me without asking a single question. When I need a day to lay on the couch, eat ice cream, and feel sorry for myself instead of coming into work, my boss says take all the time I need. I know not everyone is lucky enough to have a job like that, so I am very thankful to work for a wonderful school district.

Project Thankful-Day 5

Day 5~Today I am thankful for my amazing sister-in-law Ariane and her four beautiful children who I am so lucky to be Aunt Randa to. Ariane and I became close soon after Randy and I first started dating 6 years ago, and she has become one of my best and closest friends. I have always known I could count on her for anything, but in the weeks following the loss of Baby Sellers she has gone above and beyond the duties of a sister-in-law. She has cried with me. She has been with me when I'm scared to be alone (bringing Pumpkin Spice Lattes and donuts). She listens to me talk about Baby Sellers for hours on end and never once looks at me like I'm crazy. She calls and texts me just to ask how I'm doing and if I need anything. She has done all of this and a million other things all while taking care of her own family of six. I am amazed at her compassion and so very thankful I am able to call her my sister-in-law. I am also so thankful to be an Aunt to her four beautiful and amazing children. They always make me smile, even when all I want to do is cry. I know if some day down the road I do have children Allie, Jack, Charley, and William will be the best cousins my children could have. I love you all so so much.

Ariane and I

Project Thankful-Days 1-4

Day 1: I am thankful for the four months I got to experience Baby Sellers growing inside of me. Although four months will never be enough time, I am grateful for the time I had. So thank you Baby Sellers, thank you for picking me to be your mama. I love you so much, I will never stop loving you.

Day 2: I am thankful for my amazing husband. I love this man more than words can say. God knows I am not the easiest person to love, but he does it every single day. And when life gets too rough for me to take he is my strength, my lifesaver. I love him more every single day I spend with him, and knowing that I get to spend the rest of my life with him gives me comfort that no matter what, every little thing is going to be alright.

Day 3: I am thankful for my dad. I am amazed by the strength and compassion he has. No one would have blamed him for giving up after my mom died, but he didn't. As much as he was hurting he kept it together for my brother, sister, and I. He loved us enough to put our happiness and our well being before his own. I would not be the person I am today if it wasn't for him. He is my hero.

Day 4: I am thankful for my brother and my sister. Most people don't learn to appreciate their siblings until later in life, but from a young age I knew these two were the best friends I could ever have. We laugh, we cry, we fight, but most importantly we love each other. I know if I ever need anything all I have to do is call these two and no matter where they are, no matter what they are doing, they will drop everything to be there for  me. And I am so thankful for that.

...the saddest ending.

I recently began reading a book that began with the sentence "This is the happiest story with the saddest ending." I feel like this quote perfectly sums up the last four months of my life. They were the happiest four months of my life, but they have the saddest ending. And while each day gets a little easier, I am still haunted every second of every day by the fact that my baby is no longer with me. Losing Baby Sellers is the hardest and saddest thing I have ever been through, but I cannot regret anything, I cannot wish to take any of it back because then I wouldn't have the four happiest months of my life either. All my life I have wanted to be a mom, and while this wasn't what I pictured motherhood to be like, I am now a mother to a beautiful angel in Heaven. I have experienced the unconditional love a mother has for it's child. I have experienced what it is to love someone with every cell of my being, without ever laying eyes on them. I have experienced the anxiety of wanting to protect my child from all the horribleness in the world, but having to accept somethings are just out of my control. Maybe someday I will have children here on this Earth and maybe I won't, but no matter what my future holds I have had the opportunity to experience one of the greatest things a woman can experience, I am a mother.

A few days ago I met with my grief counselor and she kept referring to me as being a resilient person. I was confused about what she meant by this and she explained that a resilient person is someone who faces adversity and/or tragedy and is not only able to adapt and bounce back to some sort of normalcy, but grows and becomes even better and stronger then they were before. While I don't feel like I've bounced back yet, I know I am getting there. It is never going to get better, there is nothing that can make losing my baby better, but it is starting to get a little easier every day. It is still a roller coaster ride. One day I feel like I'm finally going to be okay, then the next day I feel like I am back to square one again, but I am slowly getting there. At times I am completely consumed by my grief, but I have hope that one day I will be okay again. Even more then that, I will be better. While there is nothing good or okay about losing a child, there is nothing that can justify losing my baby, I do know if I am blessed enough to go on to have children I will be an even better mom. I won't mind being up all night with a crying baby because I know what it's like to have it taken away. Even when my children are driving me crazy, I will be thankful that I have children to drive me crazy. I know I won't ever be a perfect mom, but I know if I am able to have children in the future I will never take them for granted because I know how easily they can be taken away.

Many of my friends and family have been doing Project Thankful on Facebook or on their blogs, and at first I didn't want to do it. I didn't feel thankful for anything this year, but I now know how untrue this is. Even though my world feels dark, I know that I have many things to be thankful for. So while I am a little late I will participate in Project Thankful....stay tuned.

3 weeks...

It is crazy how one single moment, one second, can change a person's life. The impact of that one moment can completely change a person, for better or for worse. 3 weeks ago I was a blissfully happy pregnant girl. My belly was growing and I was busy planning for my family of two to become a family of three. Little did I know that my world was going to change, I was going to change for the worse.

I thought I would be happy for a  new month to begin. While the beginning of October was happy and uneventful, the end of October was hell. But with November finally here, all I can seem to think about is the things I would be doing if I still had my baby. I SHOULD be 20 weeks pregnant this week, half-way through my pregnancy. I SHOULD be excited about revealing the gender of our baby to our families at Thanksgiving. I SHOULD be excited about Thanksgiving and using the "I'm eating for two" excuse to get thirds on mashed potatoes. Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday. I loved the food, time with family, and all the traditions that went along with it. This year however, I'm dreading the upcoming holidays. I don't feel very thankful or cheerful this year. And while this used to be my favorite time of the year, this year the holidays will be tainted with the fact that my baby is gone. I know this is selfish of me. I know I have many things to be thankful for this year. I know I have an amazing husband, a loving family, and wonderfully supportive friends who have all been there for me over the past 3 weeks, but some how it just doesn't feel like enough. That is what I miss most about the girl I was 3 weeks ago. She would have remained positive and optimistic. She would have been strong and focused on all the good things in her life rather then focusing on the bad things. But I'm not that girl anymore. I am an empty shell of the person I used to be trying to find my way through the chaos that is now my life, trying to find some sense of normalcy. Maybe one day I will be that girl again, but even if I get back to her I will always be missing a piece of my heart, the piece my baby took with him to Heaven.

“Dusk is just an illusion because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are there cannot be one without the other yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel I remember wondering to be always together yet forever apart?”~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

My baby will always be in my heart....yet we will always be forever apart...