A couple of weeks ago I had a whole bunch of test done to try and determine why we loss Baby Sellers. I realize with miscarriages there are many women who never get an answer, an explanation to why their baby died so I've been trying not to get my hopes up that we would get an answer. After my D&C the baby and placenta were sent in for testing and that came back inconclusive. So we will never know if there was or was not something wrong with our baby. This news was really hard to accept at first, but it's getting easier. After the inconclusive testing on the baby it was my turn to get poked and prodded. I had over 20 vials of blood drawn (all in the same day =/) with the hope that we would get some kind of an explanation. That hope is a double edged sword. On one hand I want an explanation, a reason for why my baby had to die, but on the other hand I hope that there isn't anything wrong with me. That this was just a really crappy thing that happened but I will be able to go on and have a "normal" pregnancy in the future.
Well the results are in and I have what they call a MTHFR gene mutation. I encourage you to Google it if you want more information on what this is, because it's very confusing and while I can attempt to explain it, it may not be completely accurate. I am meeting with my doctor on Monday to discuss this diagnosis more, so until then I only have limited knowledge of this diagnosis. According to Google many people have this gene mutation, but not everyone develops symptoms. It just depends if the mutation is homozygous or heterozygous. So the good news is I have a diagnosis, the bad news is I have to go have more testing done to determine if the mutation is homozygous or heterozygous. If the mutation is homozygous it's likely this mutation had nothing to do with me losing the baby. If it is heterozygous this mutation can cause a blood clotting disorder, which may have led to me losing the baby. This mutation can also cause my body to not absorb the needed amino acids needed during pregnancy. I know this is a lot of information and it's overwhelming (trust me, I'm super overwhelmed!).
The great news is that if the mutation is heterozygous there are treatment options to try and prevent another pregnancy loss. I'll have more information on Monday as far as the diagnosis and what our plan of action will be for my next pregnancy. Please continue to pray for Randy and I, hopefully 2013 will still bring us a baby!
Friday, December 7, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Signs
Okay, I know this is the second post today but I just HAD to share this.
After losing Baby Sellers I've read blogs from other baby loss mama's and many of them have talked about seeing or finding signs that make them believe their baby is okay. For example seeing butterflies, dragonflies, a beautiful sunset and many other things that make them feel closer to their babies. Since losing my baby I have been praying and looking every where for a sign that my baby is okay. I like to think I have been pretty open to anything that may have been a sign from up above, but I haven't felt like I've seen one...until today that is.
Iowa is experiencing some much warmer weather than usual for this time of year (60's in December in Iowa?!) so I decided to take advantage of this lovely weather and take Hank for a walk. About a mile into our walk I happen to look down at the ground and see this...
Your baby blues, so full of wonder
Your curly cues, your contagious smile
And as I watch, you start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in but you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down, waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Story books full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies
When the clouds will rage
And storms will race in but you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down, waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always, always love you
When the clouds will rage
And storms will race in but you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down, waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms, in my arms
After losing Baby Sellers I've read blogs from other baby loss mama's and many of them have talked about seeing or finding signs that make them believe their baby is okay. For example seeing butterflies, dragonflies, a beautiful sunset and many other things that make them feel closer to their babies. Since losing my baby I have been praying and looking every where for a sign that my baby is okay. I like to think I have been pretty open to anything that may have been a sign from up above, but I haven't felt like I've seen one...until today that is.
Iowa is experiencing some much warmer weather than usual for this time of year (60's in December in Iowa?!) so I decided to take advantage of this lovely weather and take Hank for a walk. About a mile into our walk I happen to look down at the ground and see this...
Now for those of you who don't know this is what the ribbon for pregnancy and infant loss looks like, blue and pink ribbon wrapped together. Quite the coincidence huh!? And right as I'm bending down to pick it up my Pandora station starts playing In My Arms by Plumb, the lyrics to this song talk about a mother wanting to protect her child from the cruel world:
Your curly cues, your contagious smile
And as I watch, you start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing clouds will rage
And storms will race in but you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down, waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Story books full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies
When the clouds will rage
And storms will race in but you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down, waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always, always love you
When the clouds will rage
And storms will race in but you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down, waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms, in my arms
This song makes me cry every time I hear it, because I would have done everything in my power to protect my baby. This song also reminds me that no matter what I will be safe in God's arms, and he will carry me through the parts of my life that are just too hard. I've been waiting for a sign that would tell me my baby is okay, that I will be okay....I think I just got it.
Holding on to the Good
Dearest Baby Sellers,
The Christmas season is upon us. Another holiday that I will never get to spend with you. I was dreading the upcoming holiday. Christmas is a time of love, joy and laughter and feeling those things makes me feel guilty. When I feel joy or when I'm laughing it is often followed by the feeling of guilt, because you aren't here with me and I should be sad about that. I realize though that this isn't how my holiday season should be. I shouldn't be sad and unhappy because you wouldn't want me to be. I shouldn't feel guilty about being happy and laughing because you would want me to do those things. No one knows more then you do how much I miss you, because no one knows more then you how much I loved and wanted you. Being happy again doesn't mean that I am forgetting you, it means I'm letting go of all the bad and holding on to the good. Because you gave me and continue to give me so many good things.
Instead of being sad that you won't be with me this holiday season, I am going to be happy that you get to spend your first Christmas with three of the greatest women I know; your Grandma Lori, your Great Grandma Bauer, and your Great Grandma Helen. I know without a doubt in my mind these three wonderful ladies are taking care of you and will make sure you have the best Christmas ever. Grandma Lori will teach you how to make the best sugar cookies ever, and even let you eat some of the cookie dough (but not too much or you'll get a stomachache!). Great Grandma Bauer will teach you how to knit so you can make a stocking and I really hope there is snow in Heaven because Great Grandma Bauer will help you make the best snowman ever. Great Grandma Helen will teach you how to make her Swedish Meatballs (it's not Christmas without them) and help you decorate a Christmas tree. I know that you will have a wonderful Christmas because you will get to experience some of my favorite Christmas traditions with the women who taught them to me.
Please know that daddy and I will still be missing you, like we do every day, but we will smile knowing you are safe and happy. I love you to the moon and back baby! Please continue to sprinkle your baby dust on daddy and I. Christmas is a time for miracles, I really hope we get a miracle this Christmas.
Love,
Your Momma
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The Christmas season is upon us. Another holiday that I will never get to spend with you. I was dreading the upcoming holiday. Christmas is a time of love, joy and laughter and feeling those things makes me feel guilty. When I feel joy or when I'm laughing it is often followed by the feeling of guilt, because you aren't here with me and I should be sad about that. I realize though that this isn't how my holiday season should be. I shouldn't be sad and unhappy because you wouldn't want me to be. I shouldn't feel guilty about being happy and laughing because you would want me to do those things. No one knows more then you do how much I miss you, because no one knows more then you how much I loved and wanted you. Being happy again doesn't mean that I am forgetting you, it means I'm letting go of all the bad and holding on to the good. Because you gave me and continue to give me so many good things.
Instead of being sad that you won't be with me this holiday season, I am going to be happy that you get to spend your first Christmas with three of the greatest women I know; your Grandma Lori, your Great Grandma Bauer, and your Great Grandma Helen. I know without a doubt in my mind these three wonderful ladies are taking care of you and will make sure you have the best Christmas ever. Grandma Lori will teach you how to make the best sugar cookies ever, and even let you eat some of the cookie dough (but not too much or you'll get a stomachache!). Great Grandma Bauer will teach you how to knit so you can make a stocking and I really hope there is snow in Heaven because Great Grandma Bauer will help you make the best snowman ever. Great Grandma Helen will teach you how to make her Swedish Meatballs (it's not Christmas without them) and help you decorate a Christmas tree. I know that you will have a wonderful Christmas because you will get to experience some of my favorite Christmas traditions with the women who taught them to me.
Please know that daddy and I will still be missing you, like we do every day, but we will smile knowing you are safe and happy. I love you to the moon and back baby! Please continue to sprinkle your baby dust on daddy and I. Christmas is a time for miracles, I really hope we get a miracle this Christmas.
Love,
Your Momma
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Questions
Dearest Baby Sellers,
I cannot believe it has been 47 days since all my hopes and dreams for you were shattered. How in the world has that much time gone by? How has life continued on when I feel so empty? When I was pregnant with you it felt like time was dragging on, like it was going to be forever before I got to hold you in my arms. Silly me, 9 months was nothing compared to the eternity I face now without you. I have replayed that day in my mind over and over and over again. Wishing things would have played out differently. Wishing the doctor would have said "Just kidding, the baby was hiding here's the heartbeat." But I know that's impossible. Your gone and no amount of prayers or wishful thinking will bring you back.
Your death brings so many unanswered questions with it. Questions that no matter what I do, I will probably never get an answer to. And that terrifies me. Why did I have to lose you? Why did God let me get pregnant if he was just going to take you away? Will I ever get pregnant again? Will I ever be able to have a "normal" full term pregnancy? Or will I be faced with the struggle of infertility? What if this happens again, what if I lose more babies? Will I survive?
As daddy and I start down the path of trying to conceive again these questions run through my mind every minute of every day. I don't want you to think that we are trying to replace you, because we never could. You came to us at a time when we thought we would never get pregnant. You brought us so much happiness. We loved you so much. Your life and your death has made daddy and I appreciate each other more now then ever, you made daddy and I a stronger couple. You will always be our first baby, our little nugget. But daddy and I so badly want a baby here on Earth. So I pray that you and God look over daddy and I as we continue on without you. And I pray that you will sprinkle your baby dust on daddy and I so someday soon we can give you a little brother or sister here on Earth. I know you will be the best guardian angel. I love you and miss you more with every breath I take. Xoxo
Love,
Your Momma
I cannot believe it has been 47 days since all my hopes and dreams for you were shattered. How in the world has that much time gone by? How has life continued on when I feel so empty? When I was pregnant with you it felt like time was dragging on, like it was going to be forever before I got to hold you in my arms. Silly me, 9 months was nothing compared to the eternity I face now without you. I have replayed that day in my mind over and over and over again. Wishing things would have played out differently. Wishing the doctor would have said "Just kidding, the baby was hiding here's the heartbeat." But I know that's impossible. Your gone and no amount of prayers or wishful thinking will bring you back.
Your death brings so many unanswered questions with it. Questions that no matter what I do, I will probably never get an answer to. And that terrifies me. Why did I have to lose you? Why did God let me get pregnant if he was just going to take you away? Will I ever get pregnant again? Will I ever be able to have a "normal" full term pregnancy? Or will I be faced with the struggle of infertility? What if this happens again, what if I lose more babies? Will I survive?
As daddy and I start down the path of trying to conceive again these questions run through my mind every minute of every day. I don't want you to think that we are trying to replace you, because we never could. You came to us at a time when we thought we would never get pregnant. You brought us so much happiness. We loved you so much. Your life and your death has made daddy and I appreciate each other more now then ever, you made daddy and I a stronger couple. You will always be our first baby, our little nugget. But daddy and I so badly want a baby here on Earth. So I pray that you and God look over daddy and I as we continue on without you. And I pray that you will sprinkle your baby dust on daddy and I so someday soon we can give you a little brother or sister here on Earth. I know you will be the best guardian angel. I love you and miss you more with every breath I take. Xoxo
Love,
Your Momma
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
God Gave Me You
Last night at the support group I attend we were talking about how the loss of our babies makes other people really uncomfortable. Losing a baby is a tragedy and tragedies have a funny way of bringing out the best in some people, and unfortunately the worst in others. The people you think are going to be there for you fail to show up, and complete strangers have some of the kindest words. The leader of the support group said we need to find a way to forgive those friends and family members that haven't been there for us. Maybe I am too fresh in my grief still and maybe this is a little harsh but I think that is absolute crap.
I get that the death of a baby makes people really uncomfortable, no one gets that more then me. I don't want to be in this boat. I don't want to be a member of a baby loss support group. I don't want to have a blog based on the loss of my baby. I don't want to know that October 15th is national pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. But I do, because that's my life now. I don't know how to handle losing my baby, every day is a struggle, and I need people around me to be supportive and to just be there for me no matter what. I know this sounds selfish, but my baby died so I feel like I have the right to be selfish right now. You don't have to say or do anything in particular, just be there. When I need to cry, let me cry. When I need to talk about my baby, let me talk about my baby. When I need to talk about anything, just listen. Don't feel like you have to say something to ease my pain, because honestly there is nothing you can say or do to take my pain away. Nothing is going to fix this. Saying things like "it was God's will", "everything happens for a reason", or "at least you know you can get pregnant" doesn't fix anything, it actually makes me feel worse. I know this sounds mean and I apologize. The grief process is a long process, and I'm not going to get through it easily. I realize it's been a month since we loss our baby, but at the same time it's only been a month. And it doesn't matter if I go on to have 10 babies, I'll never have this one back. Nothing will right this wrong, so instead of trying to fix it, just be there and support me through my grief process.
And to Randy, my friends and family members who have been there relentlessly over the past few weeks. Thank you. I wouldn't be making it through each day if it wasn't for you. Thank you for carrying me through this storm. Thank you for being patient with me and not telling me it's time to get over it or move on. I love you so much for that. God gave me you.
I get that the death of a baby makes people really uncomfortable, no one gets that more then me. I don't want to be in this boat. I don't want to be a member of a baby loss support group. I don't want to have a blog based on the loss of my baby. I don't want to know that October 15th is national pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. But I do, because that's my life now. I don't know how to handle losing my baby, every day is a struggle, and I need people around me to be supportive and to just be there for me no matter what. I know this sounds selfish, but my baby died so I feel like I have the right to be selfish right now. You don't have to say or do anything in particular, just be there. When I need to cry, let me cry. When I need to talk about my baby, let me talk about my baby. When I need to talk about anything, just listen. Don't feel like you have to say something to ease my pain, because honestly there is nothing you can say or do to take my pain away. Nothing is going to fix this. Saying things like "it was God's will", "everything happens for a reason", or "at least you know you can get pregnant" doesn't fix anything, it actually makes me feel worse. I know this sounds mean and I apologize. The grief process is a long process, and I'm not going to get through it easily. I realize it's been a month since we loss our baby, but at the same time it's only been a month. And it doesn't matter if I go on to have 10 babies, I'll never have this one back. Nothing will right this wrong, so instead of trying to fix it, just be there and support me through my grief process.
And to Randy, my friends and family members who have been there relentlessly over the past few weeks. Thank you. I wouldn't be making it through each day if it wasn't for you. Thank you for carrying me through this storm. Thank you for being patient with me and not telling me it's time to get over it or move on. I love you so much for that. God gave me you.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Bittersweet Life
Dearest Baby Sellers,
This weekend Daddy and I went to grandpa and grandma's for a little weekend get-a-way. After the past five weeks and all the hell we've been through, I was more then ready for this. I am very thankful that daddy's parents let us come up and stay with them for the weekend. It makes me sad to think that you'll never get to go stay at grandma and grandpa's for a week during the summer and be spoiled rotten. Getting away was nice and I even had fun for the first time in weeks, but it wasn't the same. Every thing I did, every time I laughed, every time I had fun it was haunted by the fact that you aren't with me anymore. I feel like that is how my life will be from now on. Every good moment, every happy moment, won't be as good or as happy because your not here to experience it with me.
Daddy agreed to go to the Mall of America, he's trying so hard to make me happy again, so we met up with our good friends Matt and Heather and prepared to do some serious shopping. I had fun shopping, but I wasn't prepared for the number of pregnant women and babies I encountered while shopping. I know this is silly, I mean what did I expect at a giant shopping mall? They were every where, and every time I saw one of those blissfully happy pregnant girls I felt like I was being punched in the heart. I am very thankful that my good friend Heather was with me and reminded me to breathe every time we walked pass one of these girls, because it hurt, a lot. I don't feel bitterness towards these girls. I don't want them to lose their babies, I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I am just sad for me, for you, because that should be us. I should have been walking around the mall with my big pregnant belly. I should have felt you kicking after eating spicy wings for lunch. I should have been buying maternity clothes. I should have been shopping at all the baby stores for you and spending way too much money. But I wasn't because that isn't my life anymore. I'm trying to accept this "new" life I have, but it's hard. It isn't fair, our time together wasn't enough. I miss you so much baby. Sending lots of hugs and kisses your way, I hope they find you.
Love,
Your Momma
This weekend Daddy and I went to grandpa and grandma's for a little weekend get-a-way. After the past five weeks and all the hell we've been through, I was more then ready for this. I am very thankful that daddy's parents let us come up and stay with them for the weekend. It makes me sad to think that you'll never get to go stay at grandma and grandpa's for a week during the summer and be spoiled rotten. Getting away was nice and I even had fun for the first time in weeks, but it wasn't the same. Every thing I did, every time I laughed, every time I had fun it was haunted by the fact that you aren't with me anymore. I feel like that is how my life will be from now on. Every good moment, every happy moment, won't be as good or as happy because your not here to experience it with me.
Daddy agreed to go to the Mall of America, he's trying so hard to make me happy again, so we met up with our good friends Matt and Heather and prepared to do some serious shopping. I had fun shopping, but I wasn't prepared for the number of pregnant women and babies I encountered while shopping. I know this is silly, I mean what did I expect at a giant shopping mall? They were every where, and every time I saw one of those blissfully happy pregnant girls I felt like I was being punched in the heart. I am very thankful that my good friend Heather was with me and reminded me to breathe every time we walked pass one of these girls, because it hurt, a lot. I don't feel bitterness towards these girls. I don't want them to lose their babies, I wouldn't wish that pain on anyone. I am just sad for me, for you, because that should be us. I should have been walking around the mall with my big pregnant belly. I should have felt you kicking after eating spicy wings for lunch. I should have been buying maternity clothes. I should have been shopping at all the baby stores for you and spending way too much money. But I wasn't because that isn't my life anymore. I'm trying to accept this "new" life I have, but it's hard. It isn't fair, our time together wasn't enough. I miss you so much baby. Sending lots of hugs and kisses your way, I hope they find you.
Love,
Your Momma
Friday, November 16, 2012
Project Thankful
I am so very thankful for my wonderful students. They are the reason I get up and go to work every morning. The things they say and do just melt my heart and make me smile. Like how they think it is the funniest thing in the world when I mix up the words to our Good Morning song and tell me "Mrs. S you sooo silly!" On the days when I feel like I'll never be happy again they say things like "Mrs. S you smell like sunshine" and I can't help but smile. These little people have been one of my biggest lifesavers this past month. They've taught me how to laugh and smile through the tears, they give me hope that everything will be okay. I love them and owe them so much.
Today I am also thankful for my best bud Hank. There's a million reasons why I love him, but mostly because who can look at this sweet face and NOT smile?
Today I am also thankful for my best bud Hank. There's a million reasons why I love him, but mostly because who can look at this sweet face and NOT smile?
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