92 days....

Dearest Baby Sellers,

It has been 3 months since daddy and I last felt true happiness, true optimism. That's 13 weeks ,92 days, of living half a life. Both of us are missing a piece of our hearts, the pieces you took with you when you left this Earth behind. It's weird to think I should be 30 weeks pregnant with you right now. I should be 10 weeks from meeting you, from holding you in my arms, from smothering you in all the love and kisses in the world, but I'm not. It feels like just yesterday we heard the awful news, I remember every single detail for that day, but at the same time it feels like an eternity has passed since you were safe inside of me. Time is such a scary thing.

I'm trying to stay positive, but it's so hard some days. This roller coaster ride of grief I'm on is absolutely exhausting some days. Some days I feel okay again, like I'm getting the light back in my life that I lost 3 months ago. And then other days I feel so sad, so hopeless, so depressed. Everyone told me it would get better with time, but that's a lie. Some days are easier then others, but they aren't ever better. I do know that 3 months ago I never thought I would be were I am right now. I survived these past 3  months, as much as I didn't want to. And I'm trying to stay hopeful that maybe three months from today things will be a little easier. I miss you so much little one. You are on my mind all the time. I love you to the moon and back.

Love,
Your mommy

Why me?

Over the past few weeks I have been trying really really hard to be happy and optimistic, but lately I just don't seem to have any optimism left in me. I lay in bed every night and the question, why me, runs through my head over and over again. Why did this happen to me? Why is this my life now? Did I do something terrible in my life and this is my punishment? I know I'll never get an answer, and that is what kills me. If I knew why this had to happen, why my baby had to die, maybe I could find some closure, maybe I could find a way to move on. But right now I feel like I'm stuck in this hole of anger and sadness and no matter how much I try to put on a happy face and pretend I'm doing fine, at the end of the day I'm sad, I'm angry, and I miss my baby so much.

It doesn't help that every where I turn someone else is announcing they're expecting. Kim Kardashian, Jessica Simpson, Kate and William, people all over my Facebook newsfeed....pregnancy is every where lately! I swear everyone and their sister is pregnant...except for me. And every time I see one of those announcements it's like a knife straight to my heart, I honestly feel like I'm having a panic attack, which then makes me feel guilty. I don't want people to lose their babies, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. It's just that I want that so bad, I want a baby so bad, and it seems like everyone gets one except me. No matter how hard I try to make sense of losing my baby, or try to find the silver lining, it comes down the the fact that it's just not fair. I know I have a good life and I know I have many blessings, but I would give it all up in a heart beat to have my baby. I did everything the way I was supposed to. I went to college, I got married, we bought a house, I graduated from college, I got a job, and next was supposed to come a baby, that's what I wanted, what I was expecting. And now I'm faced with the harsh reality that that may not be my future...a baby may not be in my future. And I don't know how to accept that, I can't accept that. All I know is that reality really is a bitch.

Hope for the New Year

Today is the last day of 2012 and I can't help but sit here and think about the crazy roller coaster ride this year has been. 4 months ago I was excited for 2013, because that meant I only had 3 months left until Randy and I met Baby Sellers, but now I am ready for 2013 for a whole new reason. As I sit here and reflect on the year I'm finding as much as I don't want to believe it 2012 held a lot of good things for me and my family. I graduated with my Bachelor's degree in Elementary Education, I got my first teaching job, I gained a new sister when my brother got married, I found out I was expecting, and I received a new nephew. That's a lot of good things and I am so grateful for them all, but 2012 also holds the worst day(s) of my life. When I think back to 2012 years from now, I won't remember it as the year I graduated or got my first teaching job, I will always remember it as the year I lost my baby.

The coming of 2013 is bittersweet. I'm terrified for what it holds. I know getting through March and my due date is going to especially hard. I'm also terrified because what if 2013 comes and goes and Randy and I still don't have a baby? I'm not in control, God is, and that terrifies me. If 2012 has taught me anything it is that I am not in control and rather then fight that I need to let go and let God. I am scared for 2013, but I'm also ready. 2013 means a new start. It means I went through hell and survived. It means as much as I hate to admit it, I am stronger. My wish for 2013 is that Randy and I will continue to heal. We will become an even stronger couple then we are now, and hopefully one way or another our little family of two will become a family of three. No matter what though, my resolution for 2013 is to live each day like it is my last day, because this past year has taught me that life can change drastically in the blink of an eye. Thank you to Randy, my family, and my friends (new and old) for being there for me and helping me get through these past couple of months, I never would have made it through without you. Here's to hoping that 2013 is a year filled of joy, happiness, hope for a better tomorrow,  and that we all learn to dance in the rain.

Know you're not alone

Dear Baby Sellers,

Well daddy and I survived the holiday season without you. Honestly, it wasn't as horrible as I had built it up in my mind to be. My biggest fear is that people will forget about you, about the impact you had on my life. I know daddy and I will never forget you because the love we feel for you will never go away, but what about everyone else? What about our friends and family, will they remember you 6 months from now, a year from now, 10 years from now? Life goes on and daddy and I continue to find a new sense of normal, but just  because we are finding our new normal doesn't mean our hearts aren't still broken, that our arms aren't still aching to hold you, and that will NEVER go away. It drives me crazy when people see me going out, smiling, and laughing and assume that I am all better. I will never be better, I will never be the person I used to be, I will always have a hole in my heart. But I realize I can't wallow in self-pity all the time. So yes I go to work, I go shopping, I hang out with friends, I do these things because as much as I don't want it to life goes on.

Daddy and I can't pretend that you never happened because you were the best thing that ever happened to us, and why would we ever want to forget that? And nothing hurts worst then being around people who act like nothing ever happened, like everything is just fine. These people don't talk about you and when I bring you up they either ignore me or quickly change the subject. These people never check in on daddy and I or ask how we are doing. And that really hurts. But for every person who has not been there for daddy and I over these past couple of months, there or other people who have been absolutely amazing.It reminds me we are not alone. Sometimes I get caught up in my own grief and forget that I wasn't the only one who loved and wanted you. You had grandparents who were so excited for your arrival. You had aunts, uncles, and cousins who couldn't wait to meet you. You had so many people who loved you from the very beginning, and all of these people were heartbroken when we lost you. So yes I am afraid that people will forget about you, and a lot of people probably will, but daddy and I and all the people who love you so very much never will. Daddy and I asked these people to light a candle for you on Christmas and it brought tears to my eyes to see just how many people actually did this. I received so many pictures, texts, and messages letting me know that a candle for Baby Sellers had been lit. I love you so very much baby and miss you more than you could ever know.

Love,
Your Momma

God, where are you?

God,

I know I am not perfect, and I know I have been struggling with my faith lately, but I have to ask where are you? Do you see how many horrible, tragic things are happening lately? Why aren't you stopping them? Innocent children are being shot and killed while at school, people are being killed while doing some shopping, families are looking for children that have been abducted for months only to find their little angels are dead, too many couples who want a baby so badly lose their babies or cannot have babies while teenagers and drug addicts seem to be able to pop them out with no problem. There is so much bad stuff happening, do you see it? Do you care? I want to believe there is something  more after this life, some greater purpose, but all these bad things make it so hard.

I want to believe that some day I will hold mine and Randy's baby in my arms, that I will experience that overwhelming joy. But right now I don't believe that. Too many bad things have happened to me, to people I care about, to the world. I know if I get my hopes up, I'll just be disappointed. So I don't know where you are God, or why all these bad things seem to happen. But I could use a sign, the world could use a sign that love does conquer evil. That goodness still does exist in this dark and scary world. I could use some hope that my life is going to get better. Because right now I am all out of faith.

Time can not erase

Dearest Baby Sellers,

Two months...that's how much time has gone by since daddy and I learned you had grown wings and left this Earth behind. I thought things would be easier by now, but they are not. I still cry, my heart is still broken, my thoughts are still full of what could have been, and my arms are still empty. I should not be counting up the days since you left me. I should be counting down the days till your arrival. I should be feeling you kick inside me. I should be finishing up the nursery and picking out baby names. But I'm not. IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!! I don't understand why this had to happen to me, to us. I wanted you more than I've ever wanted anything and your gone. I'm left here trying to put the pieces of my life back together, trying to move forward because that's what everyone says I am supposed to do. Sometimes I envy you dear baby. I'm sure it's beautiful where ever you are, I'm sure it's peaceful, I'm sure you're happy. I wish I could find peace...I wish I could find happiness.

Everyone says that time will heal, that I'll be okay, but I don't believe them. How can time heal something so painful? So tragic? The love I feel for you is so real, and that doesn't just go away. The emptiness my heart feels isn't going to go away because you took a piece of me to heaven with you. This pain is too real and time cannot erase it. I miss you so much, my heart is broken. I'm a ghost of a girl that I want to be most, I'm the shell of a girl that I used to know well :'(

I wish these past 2 months were just a nightmare, a horrible horrible nightmare, but I would wake up and still have you here with me....

My arms are aching for you baby.

Love,
Your Momma

Faith

Yesterday I had my sweet little nieces and nephews over to decorate some Christmas cookies for Santa. After the decorating festivities we all settled down to watch Pocohontas (one of my all time favorite Disney movies). As we were watching the movie we were talking and someone mentioned something about when Randy and I have a baby. I quickly corrected them saying IF Randy and I have a baby. My nephew Jack who has snuggled up on my lap looked up at me after I said this and said "Aunt Randa you WILL have a baby." I hugged that sweet little boy tight and tried not to cry. How I wish I had the faith of this little guy who I love so much.

I am trying, and some days I have a lot of faith that our little baby is somewhere in the near future, but then there are days that I am just waiting for the next bad thing to happen to me. I thought having a diagnosis would help me move forward. I am happy to have an answer, and I am grateful that for the most part it has a simple "solution", but that part scares me. Nothing has ever come easily to me, and I'm scared to get my hopes up now. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall.I'm waiting for them to discover something else that won't allow me to have children. Today I'm just having a hard time keeping the faith....