Time

Dear Baby Sellers,

Time is such a scary, scary thing. Before you came into my  life my biggest fear used to be losing the people I love.  After you left I learned that it isn't losing people that is the scary thing, it's time. Time keeps moving on, even when all you want to do is pause it in the moment and not take a single step forward. But time forces you forward, no matter how much you wish it wouldn't. Time scares me. The more time that goes by means the longer it's been since I had you here with me, since I was genuinely happy. Today marks 4 months since my world came crashing down. That is absolutely crazy. Why is it that when you don't want time to go by, it goes so fast, but when you are looking forward to something it just drags on??

My heart still hurts, a lot. I have changed so much in the past 4 months. I am no longer the carefree, optimistic, happy-go-lucky girl I once was. I don't think I'll ever be that girl again, no matter how much time goes by. That's the funny thing about tragedy. Once it has touched your life, you are never the same. Your life is forever tainted by the tragedy. I'm not sad all the time, I do have good moments, happy moments, but it's not the same as before. Whenever I feel happy I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop, because surely my happiness won't last long. As your due date quickly approaches I find myself having more and more sad moments. I've accepted that for whatever reason you were not meant to be on this Earth with daddy and I, but that doesn't make the hurt go away. If you were still here I would be 34 weeks pregnant. I would be feeling you move all over the place. Daddy and I would be putting the finishing touches on the nursery. We would have our hospital bag packed in case you decided to make an early debut. We would be narrowing down baby names and taking birthing classes. I wish that was my life, I wish I was mere weeks from meeting you. We never found out if you were a boy or girl, daddy just wasn't ready, and honestly it didn't really matter to me because in my heart you are a beautiful baby boy. From the moment I found out I was pregnant I thought you were a boy. And I am sure you are the most beautiful baby boy. I wish I would have gotten to hold you. I miss you so much baby. Continue to look over daddy and I. You will always be our angel. We love you.

Love,
Your Momma

Excuse me while I step onto my soapbox....

I am not a confrontational person, never have been. I am a lover, not a fighter. I want everyone to get along. If I was born in the 50's/60's I probably would have been a hippie because I am all peace, love, and happiness. Its amazing that this is my mantra through life considering the amount of crap I have been dealt over the past 23 years. Now I am not looking for a pity party. I am not looking for people to feel sorry for me. What I am looking for is a little understanding, a little compassion, a little empathy. I should not have to defend my grief, yet I find myself doing so almost on a daily basis. As do many other baby loss mothers I have met. And it is NOT RIGHT!

Yes, believe me, I understand that people go through miscarriages all the time. I have done plenty of research over the past 3 months and I understand the statistics, I understand I am not the only one, and I have never said I was. Babies, children, people die every single day. I get that. But just because it happens all the time, doesn't make it right, it doesn't make it any easier to go through when you're the person who is dealing with the loss. Telling me that people miscarry all the time and I need to get over it would be like me telling you if your child died that "children die all the time." It doesn't make a difference. It still hurts like hell.

I miscarried at 16 weeks. Now, I've never loss a pregnancy early on so I have no idea what that feels like, and I know that no matter what point you are at in a pregnancy, when you hear your baby did not or will not survive it is so hard. But I do believe there is a difference between losing your baby at 8 weeks and losing your baby at 16 weeks. 30 to 40% of first trimester pregnancies end in a miscarriage. That is a lot of people. And any women who has ever been pregnant will tell you that those first 3 months of a pregnancy are so scary, because any number of things can go very wrong. But we are told we just have to make it to that 12 week mark and we are in the "safe zone".  Once you make it into the second trimester, 13 weeks, your chances of miscarrying drop drastically to 1 to 5% of a chance. Maybe I was naive, but I thought I had made it into the safe zone, I thought I was going to get to bring my baby home. But I didn't. And NO it does not happen to a lot of people. It happens to 1-5% of pregnant women. That is a small number when you think of how many women are pregnant. My baby wasn't just a cluster of cells. My baby was about 4.5 inches long, my baby weighed about 2.75 ounces (approximately the size of an avocado). My baby had 10 fingers and 10 toes, my baby's muscles were developing, my baby could make facial expressions, my baby had finger nails.

If you don't like listening to me talk about my baby, don't come around. If you don't like reading about how I'm feeling then don't read my blog or my Facebook. This isn't about you. It is about me doing what I need to to get through each day. And if you can't handle that, if you can't be compassionate and understanding, then I don't want you in my life. I need people around me that are going to help lift me up, people that make me want to survive this. I DO NOT need people in my life that bring me down, people who make me feel worse than I already feel, people who make me want to give up. I'm letting go of those people starting right now, because I don't need them in my life.

Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes.

They are ugly shoes.

Uncomfortable shoes.

I hate my shoes.

Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.

Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.

Yet, I continue to wear them.

I get funny looks wearing these shoes.

They are looks of sympathy.

I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not theirs.

They never talk about my shoes.

To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.

To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them

But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.

I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.

There are many pairs in the world.

Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.

Some have learned to walk in them so they don’t hurt quite as much.

Some have worn these shoes so long that days will go by before they think of how much they hurt.

No woman deserves to wear these shoes.

Yet, because of the shoes I am a stronger woman.

These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.

They have made me who I am.

I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

Author Unknown

92 days....

Dearest Baby Sellers,

It has been 3 months since daddy and I last felt true happiness, true optimism. That's 13 weeks ,92 days, of living half a life. Both of us are missing a piece of our hearts, the pieces you took with you when you left this Earth behind. It's weird to think I should be 30 weeks pregnant with you right now. I should be 10 weeks from meeting you, from holding you in my arms, from smothering you in all the love and kisses in the world, but I'm not. It feels like just yesterday we heard the awful news, I remember every single detail for that day, but at the same time it feels like an eternity has passed since you were safe inside of me. Time is such a scary thing.

I'm trying to stay positive, but it's so hard some days. This roller coaster ride of grief I'm on is absolutely exhausting some days. Some days I feel okay again, like I'm getting the light back in my life that I lost 3 months ago. And then other days I feel so sad, so hopeless, so depressed. Everyone told me it would get better with time, but that's a lie. Some days are easier then others, but they aren't ever better. I do know that 3 months ago I never thought I would be were I am right now. I survived these past 3  months, as much as I didn't want to. And I'm trying to stay hopeful that maybe three months from today things will be a little easier. I miss you so much little one. You are on my mind all the time. I love you to the moon and back.

Love,
Your mommy

Why me?

Over the past few weeks I have been trying really really hard to be happy and optimistic, but lately I just don't seem to have any optimism left in me. I lay in bed every night and the question, why me, runs through my head over and over again. Why did this happen to me? Why is this my life now? Did I do something terrible in my life and this is my punishment? I know I'll never get an answer, and that is what kills me. If I knew why this had to happen, why my baby had to die, maybe I could find some closure, maybe I could find a way to move on. But right now I feel like I'm stuck in this hole of anger and sadness and no matter how much I try to put on a happy face and pretend I'm doing fine, at the end of the day I'm sad, I'm angry, and I miss my baby so much.

It doesn't help that every where I turn someone else is announcing they're expecting. Kim Kardashian, Jessica Simpson, Kate and William, people all over my Facebook newsfeed....pregnancy is every where lately! I swear everyone and their sister is pregnant...except for me. And every time I see one of those announcements it's like a knife straight to my heart, I honestly feel like I'm having a panic attack, which then makes me feel guilty. I don't want people to lose their babies, I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. It's just that I want that so bad, I want a baby so bad, and it seems like everyone gets one except me. No matter how hard I try to make sense of losing my baby, or try to find the silver lining, it comes down the the fact that it's just not fair. I know I have a good life and I know I have many blessings, but I would give it all up in a heart beat to have my baby. I did everything the way I was supposed to. I went to college, I got married, we bought a house, I graduated from college, I got a job, and next was supposed to come a baby, that's what I wanted, what I was expecting. And now I'm faced with the harsh reality that that may not be my future...a baby may not be in my future. And I don't know how to accept that, I can't accept that. All I know is that reality really is a bitch.

Hope for the New Year

Today is the last day of 2012 and I can't help but sit here and think about the crazy roller coaster ride this year has been. 4 months ago I was excited for 2013, because that meant I only had 3 months left until Randy and I met Baby Sellers, but now I am ready for 2013 for a whole new reason. As I sit here and reflect on the year I'm finding as much as I don't want to believe it 2012 held a lot of good things for me and my family. I graduated with my Bachelor's degree in Elementary Education, I got my first teaching job, I gained a new sister when my brother got married, I found out I was expecting, and I received a new nephew. That's a lot of good things and I am so grateful for them all, but 2012 also holds the worst day(s) of my life. When I think back to 2012 years from now, I won't remember it as the year I graduated or got my first teaching job, I will always remember it as the year I lost my baby.

The coming of 2013 is bittersweet. I'm terrified for what it holds. I know getting through March and my due date is going to especially hard. I'm also terrified because what if 2013 comes and goes and Randy and I still don't have a baby? I'm not in control, God is, and that terrifies me. If 2012 has taught me anything it is that I am not in control and rather then fight that I need to let go and let God. I am scared for 2013, but I'm also ready. 2013 means a new start. It means I went through hell and survived. It means as much as I hate to admit it, I am stronger. My wish for 2013 is that Randy and I will continue to heal. We will become an even stronger couple then we are now, and hopefully one way or another our little family of two will become a family of three. No matter what though, my resolution for 2013 is to live each day like it is my last day, because this past year has taught me that life can change drastically in the blink of an eye. Thank you to Randy, my family, and my friends (new and old) for being there for me and helping me get through these past couple of months, I never would have made it through without you. Here's to hoping that 2013 is a year filled of joy, happiness, hope for a better tomorrow,  and that we all learn to dance in the rain.

Know you're not alone

Dear Baby Sellers,

Well daddy and I survived the holiday season without you. Honestly, it wasn't as horrible as I had built it up in my mind to be. My biggest fear is that people will forget about you, about the impact you had on my life. I know daddy and I will never forget you because the love we feel for you will never go away, but what about everyone else? What about our friends and family, will they remember you 6 months from now, a year from now, 10 years from now? Life goes on and daddy and I continue to find a new sense of normal, but just  because we are finding our new normal doesn't mean our hearts aren't still broken, that our arms aren't still aching to hold you, and that will NEVER go away. It drives me crazy when people see me going out, smiling, and laughing and assume that I am all better. I will never be better, I will never be the person I used to be, I will always have a hole in my heart. But I realize I can't wallow in self-pity all the time. So yes I go to work, I go shopping, I hang out with friends, I do these things because as much as I don't want it to life goes on.

Daddy and I can't pretend that you never happened because you were the best thing that ever happened to us, and why would we ever want to forget that? And nothing hurts worst then being around people who act like nothing ever happened, like everything is just fine. These people don't talk about you and when I bring you up they either ignore me or quickly change the subject. These people never check in on daddy and I or ask how we are doing. And that really hurts. But for every person who has not been there for daddy and I over these past couple of months, there or other people who have been absolutely amazing.It reminds me we are not alone. Sometimes I get caught up in my own grief and forget that I wasn't the only one who loved and wanted you. You had grandparents who were so excited for your arrival. You had aunts, uncles, and cousins who couldn't wait to meet you. You had so many people who loved you from the very beginning, and all of these people were heartbroken when we lost you. So yes I am afraid that people will forget about you, and a lot of people probably will, but daddy and I and all the people who love you so very much never will. Daddy and I asked these people to light a candle for you on Christmas and it brought tears to my eyes to see just how many people actually did this. I received so many pictures, texts, and messages letting me know that a candle for Baby Sellers had been lit. I love you so very much baby and miss you more than you could ever know.

Love,
Your Momma