1 month

Dearest Baby Sellers,

One month ago today daddy and I got the worst news any parent could ever receive. You had grown wings and left this Earth behind. The pain I feel at times is all-consuming. There are moments when the pain becomes too much and I actually fall to my knees and sob. But there are also times when the pain isn't so hard to bare and I find myself smiling or laughing (usually at something silly your daddy says or does). Daddy and I miss you so so so much, but we are trying to be strong. We know you wouldn't have wanted us to be sad forever. A month ago I didn't think I would ever be where I am right now. I was so defeated, so broken. Honestly all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball and die so I could hold you. I still feel defeated and broken at times, every day brings something new in this roller coaster process called grief, but I also feel something I didn't feel a month ago, and that is hope. Hope that daddy and I are going to be okay. Hope that eventually I will have more good days then bad days. Hope that I will have more laughter and smiles then tears. Hope that someday I will be able to accept losing you. Hope that someday you will have a little brother or sister here on Earth and they will be so lucky to have the greatest guardian angel. Hope that one day when my time on Earth is done I will finally get to hold you in my arms. Hope that there is a greater purpose behind all of this, one that I don't understand yet, but with time I will.
While it will never be okay that I lost you, there have been things that have happened to me in the past month that I find myself wondering if it's you sending me a message from Heaven. If it's you saying "it's okay momma, smile, laugh, be happy. I'm safe and happy up here." Through my loss I started writing again, and through my writing I have had the opportunity to meet, talk with, and become friends with some amazing women who have also loss their babies. One of these amazing ladies, all the way from New York, has been so kind and supportive this past month. I like to think you and Baby Mammot played a role in us becoming friends. Thank you for that baby, I really needed a friend like her.
Don't get me wrong, none of this makes it okay that I lost you and I would give all of it up in a heartbeat if I could have you back, but I can't. So I share your story with others and I listen to the stories of others. We cry, we laugh, we vent, and we remember our babies. And I promise I will continue to do this. No matter what anyone else says or thinks I won't stop talking about you. I won't stop sharing your story. I won't stop missing you. And I will never, ever stop loving you. Missing and loving you more with every breath I take.

Love,
Your Momma