I get that the death of a baby makes people really uncomfortable, no one gets that more then me. I don't want to be in this boat. I don't want to be a member of a baby loss support group. I don't want to have a blog based on the loss of my baby. I don't want to know that October 15th is national pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. But I do, because that's my life now. I don't know how to handle losing my baby, every day is a struggle, and I need people around me to be supportive and to just be there for me no matter what. I know this sounds selfish, but my baby died so I feel like I have the right to be selfish right now. You don't have to say or do anything in particular, just be there. When I need to cry, let me cry. When I need to talk about my baby, let me talk about my baby. When I need to talk about anything, just listen. Don't feel like you have to say something to ease my pain, because honestly there is nothing you can say or do to take my pain away. Nothing is going to fix this. Saying things like "it was God's will", "everything happens for a reason", or "at least you know you can get pregnant" doesn't fix anything, it actually makes me feel worse. I know this sounds mean and I apologize. The grief process is a long process, and I'm not going to get through it easily. I realize it's been a month since we loss our baby, but at the same time it's only been a month. And it doesn't matter if I go on to have 10 babies, I'll never have this one back. Nothing will right this wrong, so instead of trying to fix it, just be there and support me through my grief process.
And to Randy, my friends and family members who have been there relentlessly over the past few weeks. Thank you. I wouldn't be making it through each day if it wasn't for you. Thank you for carrying me through this storm. Thank you for being patient with me and not telling me it's time to get over it or move on. I love you so much for that. God gave me you.
Miranda I get exactly what you are saying. I didn't grieve the loss of a baby but I certainly grieved the freedom a cancer diagnosis takes from you. I remember returning to work & being angry when people would say "at least your chemo is almost done & you'll be back to normal". Normal? Really? I would LOVE to be back to "normal". The thing is you adjust to the "new normal". I remember being pissed that my hair would grow back & people would forget about my battle. Wierd but we don't want our tragedies to be for nothing. Now I'm 3 yrs out and finally feeling like I can "take the ring off" & move on. I've paid my dues & I don't have to be the "face of cancer forever". You see, we fight our battles, we endure our tragedies, they are a part of us. Then one day we realize we CAN be MORE than our tragedies. We can be loving wives, mothers, sisters, friends without the shadow. Is it there? Absolutely, but is it who we ARE...no. We live our New Normal. Lisa
ReplyDeleteI agree with you completely! I too am not ready to forgive certain people for the things they have said or done since we lost our daughter in June. And I honestly don't know if I will ever get past certain things. The only thing I can say is take your time in doing whatever helps you through each day. Cry when you want to cry, be angry when you want to be angry and smil when you want to smile. Don't worry about anyone's timeline for grief. There is no right or wrong, no timeline to follow.
ReplyDeleteThe best advice I received during my grief journey was from my counselor. She told me that I have the right not to waste any of my time or waste any of my emotional energy on anyone but myself (and my husband). Since hearing this, I've stopped spending time with others who take more of my energy than they are able to give back.
Hugs to you. <3