3 weeks...

It is crazy how one single moment, one second, can change a person's life. The impact of that one moment can completely change a person, for better or for worse. 3 weeks ago I was a blissfully happy pregnant girl. My belly was growing and I was busy planning for my family of two to become a family of three. Little did I know that my world was going to change, I was going to change for the worse.

I thought I would be happy for a  new month to begin. While the beginning of October was happy and uneventful, the end of October was hell. But with November finally here, all I can seem to think about is the things I would be doing if I still had my baby. I SHOULD be 20 weeks pregnant this week, half-way through my pregnancy. I SHOULD be excited about revealing the gender of our baby to our families at Thanksgiving. I SHOULD be excited about Thanksgiving and using the "I'm eating for two" excuse to get thirds on mashed potatoes. Thanksgiving used to be my favorite holiday. I loved the food, time with family, and all the traditions that went along with it. This year however, I'm dreading the upcoming holidays. I don't feel very thankful or cheerful this year. And while this used to be my favorite time of the year, this year the holidays will be tainted with the fact that my baby is gone. I know this is selfish of me. I know I have many things to be thankful for this year. I know I have an amazing husband, a loving family, and wonderfully supportive friends who have all been there for me over the past 3 weeks, but some how it just doesn't feel like enough. That is what I miss most about the girl I was 3 weeks ago. She would have remained positive and optimistic. She would have been strong and focused on all the good things in her life rather then focusing on the bad things. But I'm not that girl anymore. I am an empty shell of the person I used to be trying to find my way through the chaos that is now my life, trying to find some sense of normalcy. Maybe one day I will be that girl again, but even if I get back to her I will always be missing a piece of my heart, the piece my baby took with him to Heaven.

“Dusk is just an illusion because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are there cannot be one without the other yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel I remember wondering to be always together yet forever apart?”~Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

My baby will always be in my heart....yet we will always be forever apart...